His rose:

Bed

2012-02-11T22:51:00.002+11:00

When Master and I are together, I fall asleep in His arms most nights.
He holds me,
Strokes my side, kisses my head,
Cups my breasts,
And He whispers to me.
Then I'm asleep.
I never sleep as soundly as when I've fallen asleep in Master's arms. I can't describe how blissfully happy and completely safe I feel in those moments.
But sometimes He can't be there.
and no configuration of a snoring cat, a comfy bed, His old shirt, snuggly blankets, a hot wheat bag and 15 assorted pillows and stuffed toys can even come close to replicating the feeling of falling asleep with Him.
I'm still alone.

A Day

2012-02-02T17:01:00.002+11:00

Today, I've done nothing apart from eat, shop and have sex.
Sometimes, it's nice to be the slut, while still being treated like a princess.

Correction

2012-01-23T13:17:00.001+11:00

Over the past week or so, Master and i have been-- partly changing and updating our old rules, and partly returning to having rules period. Currently we're here. This time, as icky as the concept was to me, i was determined to be involved and to not just sit back and expect that Master would pick us back up. i couldn't do that this time because, admittedly, it was both of us who relaxed a bit too much.

i have learned over the years that it's important for me to be able to mostly look after myself, because Master isn't inclined to micromanage me, but i've also learned that i can't function without any structure whatsoever. We tend towards the opposite ends of the spectrum naturally. So it's a compromise and a balancing act- i'm not happy when He's too lenient, and He's not happy when we're too structured. Knowing this, we had to approach it like a negotiation, as uncomfortable as that was.

It worried me, because i guess you figure that in a M/s relationship, the control would just flow naturally and everybody would be contented by that, and the exchange would be effortless and smooth. i know i thought it would be like that. Maybe it is that way for some couples. It's not that way for us. It's a process, and it's difficult to keep in place sometimes. It only works when we're both in a place to get what we want at least some of the time.

i've gotten lax at being obedient. i've gotten selfish with my pain tolerance way lower than it should be and my desire to improve that is almost nonexistent. i've gotten lazy at self improvement and unfocused with introspection. i've lost sight of what i want and have no clue about what i need or how to go about getting it, i'm second guessing my ability to please Master at every turn. When i am praised, i can't help but doubt its authenticity because i don't feel deserving no matter what i do. my subspace and my orgasms are unruly and control over them seems out of reach right now.

So that's a bit of what we're going to be up against. Master started the corrections this morning, and i have no doubt that it's going to take a few before things start to change and i can fully embrace the new rules to get back to my old self. Corrections suck right now- i've been so afraid of punishment in the past that it's made Master hesitant to correct me at all, which only makes things worse. it's like a neverending cycle and it fully derails us.

i'm trying to be brave, to accept that i need to make these mistakes and to be corrected, to be thankful that He will still correct me even though He hates it. i have to find some way to accept correction, if not punishment, as much as it frightens me and upsets me right now. i have to take away some of its emotional power and see it for what it is, Master caring enough to put me in my place, where both of us are happier and so much better together. That's the only way we're going to get back in balance. And as much as i'm sure i'm not going to like the process of getting back in balance, i can see how desperately we both need it to happen.

It will be worth it.

Mango

2012-01-17T18:25:00.001+11:00

This morning Master and i were seated at the breakfast table
He was reading the paper
and i was eating a mango
with most likely a giant stupid grin on my face

(they're probably my favourite food of all time

they're expensive
so i've always treasured getting one
they're the highlight of my summer)

but they're messy
i had juice all over me

He was watching me
when He said

'happiness is more important to you than dignity'

so today i've been thinking
about just how incredible that gift that He's given me is

and i'm suddenly so thankful that i've become that person.

A New Year

2012-01-15T10:27:00.002+11:00

i'm back in the land of internet connections... for a week. So please excuse the rampant posting while i try to at least catch up a little.

in related news, i'm up to 'd' out of some 700+ unread posts in my google reader, so it'll be a few days before i'm happy with my level of catching up on everybody's life and happenings over the last few weeks. i feel like a crappy blogger and a crappy reader lately, so thanks for putting up with me and i'm sorry!

my first post has got to be a recap of last year's resolutions, which will hopefully give me enough time to think of all the ones i set myself for this year and somehow neglected to write down.

2011 Resolutions

Get a Job. * i had 2 official employers this year, and i'm still working at one of the jobs. i had an interview for another job on Jan 10, and will hear back about that soon.
Learn new skills. *i learned to crochet, and picked up some new stitches in knitting. Learned some new computer skills, and skills related to my new jobs. i earned how to write an old fashioned love letter. i earned how to plan a menu and eat well on a budget. i learned to play Magic The Gathering and even competed in a few tournaments. i learned paper piece quilting. i learned how to make a damn fine cappuccino without using a spoon.
Learn something that will improve my service. * learning MtG actually gave Master and i a lot of things to talk about and we spend time playing or competing now too, which is fun geeky couple time. i still feel like this year was about learning to relax and just follow Master's lead rather than try to be proactive in serving Him, which is still difficult at times and is something that makes me worry too much, but learning to just follow is a service skill, right?
Make a new friend. * Yep! i made 3 new close friends at uni. i enjoyed meeting new people at munches, play parties, MtG games and through existing friends.
Exercise regularly. * i was so on top of this during the working year, but in the holidays i let it slip big time.
Learn to deal with stress better. * i'm better at asking for help from Master now. i'm better at knowing when i'm going to get stressed and i can take precautions to minimise my stress- i'm better at planning and organising myself to limit the things that will stress me out at any given time. but in the end, i'm a highly strung person and it's pretty much impossible for me to not worry about anything, so i'll count this one as a win.
Shop less. * i learned the difference between 'need' and 'want'!
Get my driver's licence *Passed with 86%
Do my best at University * i got 92% and was selected for ongoing study.
Be a more content and pleasing slave. * up until recently, i probably would have said no, i'm not content or particularly pleasing. i'm hard on myself and i always want to do more, do better.

but i think working and living away from Master has been good for me, in the end- it's given me other things to think about and forced me to make decisions that i wouldn't normally make. i've gotten used to being independent in most areas of my life, which has made me less reliant on Master telling me what to do. While it might not be what He wants when i am able to be near Him more, it's taken the pressure off while we've been apart and - i hope- made things easier on Him. i don't doubt that He will want to take that control back at some point- maybe the appeal is in taking rather than actually holding power over time for Him?- but at the moment i am content and i feel owned even though it's been a pretty kink free lifestyle for some time now. i doubt any of that makes sense to anybody except me, though.

and now...

2012 Resolutions

Find that magic balance between working, doing my absolute best at uni, spending time with Master and friends, and getting time to myself.
Learn new skills, for service as well as regular life.
Work on my self presentation.
Cross at least one thing off my bucket list.
Use my diary and calendar properly to organise my time.
Exercise or ask for a spanking when i'm stressed out.
Always have a novel on the go, and try to find time to read and write.
Take more photos than i did this year.
Go to more submissive munches than i did this year.
Play my clarinet as much as possible.
Learn to show affection to Master like a human being- no more love bites.

A Resolution?

2011-12-29T10:36:00.001+11:00

i want to stop waiting.

i want it to stop feeling like so many things are up in the air,
out of reach.
i want to start working towards them
build my flying machine bit by bit
rather than just dream about what might be up there
while waiting for everybody else to tell me that it's okay to want what i want
and that i can do anything if i try.

because it's clear that they won't give me those wings. i have to find my own way up there.

it sounds like this year, i want control.
and i'm not comfortable with that. Not at all.

As Promised

2011-12-20T21:38:00.001+11:00

the pictures of my Great Online Cookie Exchange entry, though a little late. These just got made this afternoon. i'm sorry everybody, but better late than never, right? Happy holidays!

the fruit, mixed peel, spices and rinds were left to soak for 6 hours, just until they were all plumped up, glossy, and the liquid had disappeared from the bottom of the bowl. i didn't have any orange juice or brandy so i soaked them in a mixture of hot water, raspberry jam, honey and fresh lemon juice that i melted together in the microwave.

just out of the oven and onto a rack to cool before the decorating can begin. They took about an hour to cook because i did muffin sized ones instead of little baby cupcakes...

one didn't make it to the decorating table.. it was begging to be eaten. The cake is light and they're full of fruit and spice, really really yummy. The size these are (about 200g) would suit 2 people with coffee or one for christmas pudding. They'd be amazing hot with icecream or custard.

i used pre prepared white fondant, glace cherries and some food colouring to decorate these. Stick the fondant and decorations on with a sugar syrup (2:1 parts sugar:water brought to a boil until it's clear and slightly sticky, use it like glue and a glaze to make everything shiny and more beautiful)

and i used a star cookie cutter with the same sugar glaze and some little sugar decorations for these. Really, the possibilities are endless! i hope anybody who makes these has as much fun as i did. Happy baking!

Fresh Wonderment

2011-12-20T14:57:00.003+11:00

It's sex toy review time again and this month i couldn't go past another glass dildo, they're just too damn pretty.

Eden packaged the toy really well. It comes only wrapped in its own red velvet pouch. This would worry me when ordering a glass toy from halfway across the globe, but the glass wand was delicately wrapped in bubblewrap and the totally discreet shipping box was also padded on the inside with brown paper so nothing moved around. This ensured the toy reached me in perfect condition, something i was really thankful for as i'd been looking forward to getting my new glass toy for a while!

The violet wonder is, as its name suggests, the most gorgeous shade of translucent purple. It's double ended, though one end is quite a bit shorter than the other one. One end is a series of conjoined bulbs that get gradually smaller as they get closer to the middle. The other end is a smallish swirl that gradually increases in diameter as it gets towards the middle of the toy. It reminds me of the top of a soft serve ice cream cone, actually, though icecream isn't as stunning in colour.

The wonder is 7 and 3/4 inches long, and the biggest bulb is almost 1.5" in diameter, so the toy is nice and filling when used vaginally. The glass is completely smooth, rounded and silky to the touch, and it heats up to body temperature really nicely. Using the bulbed end to thrust provides a really great sensation- the biggest bulb is wide enough to massage the g-spot to bring powerful climaxes and the friction from each bulb as the toy moves in and out builds up a remarkably sex-like feeling, given that glass is nothing like human skin in texture this surprised me. Combined with a vibrator or even just manual clitoral stimulation, the wonder has an amazing toe-curling ability that would suit anybody from the glass novice to those a little more experienced. Being so pretty helps it not to be too intimidating for newbies, too.

All that said, though, i feel like i'm missing something, like the toy is hiding a secret from me that i can't really work out. Looking at the swirled end and the way it gradually builds up, and holding the other end with its biggest bulb proving to be a really great handle provided lube hasn't made the silky glass too slippery, i really feel like this toy would come into its own when used anally. i'm not a huge anal lover, and anyway i'm pretty out of practise with anal stimulation, so i haven't had a chance to try out the toy in that way yet, it just seems to me that the swirled end only really starts to make sense when you use the toy anally. Being glass, the wonder can be sterilised so even if it doesn't work out as an anal dildo, you can just pop it in the dishwasher or boil it and then use it vaginally without a worry on hygiene.

So even though i feel a little bit like i'm missing the biggest point about this toy, it's a lot of fun and a valuable addition to my bedside table, one i'm sure i'll be getting a lot of use out of in future.

Holiday-related Yummyness

2011-12-07T10:34:00.006+11:00

this year, i'm participating in the Great Online Cookie Exchange set up by the lovely Jz over at A Reluctant Bitch.
i'm sick with the flu at the moment so unfortunately i don't have any pictures to share of these yummy little cakes yet (i'll put them up once i'm no longer a health risk and can bake again), but they're just traditional fruit cakes in adorable cupcake form.

They're great for presents or for after a big holiday meal, and even though the ingredients list looks a bit scary, you can substitute in a whole lot of different ingredients depending on what you like and what you have on hand. You can even freeze them to keep them longer or microwave them to have hot (though it's not recommended to do either of those with already decorated cupcakes)!

rosie's little christmas cakes

makes 24

ingredients:

1 cup blanched almonds
1/2 cup walnuts (or pine nuts or any other kind of nut that you like)
2 cups raisins
2 cups sultanas
3/4 cup currants or dried cranberries
1/2 cup mixed peel
the zest of an orange and a lemon, cut as finely as you can manage or grated (i use a vegetable peeler to get the strips of zest off and then cut them with a knife because i like little ribbons of zest)
1 1/2 tsp mixed spice (or you can combine your own spices, i like allspice with ginger and cinnamon)
1/2 cup brandy, rum, sherry, or fruit juice
250 g butter (1/2 lb)
2 cups plain flour
1/4 cup marmalade
1/4 cup almond meal
1 1/3 cups sugar (i use about half of the really dark sticky kind and half castor sugar, but it's up to you)
4 eggs

Mix up the sultanas, raisins, currants, zests and mixed peel in a bowl with the liquor or fruit juice. Cover the bowl with clingfilm or foil and pop them in the fridge to soak overnight or for as long as you can manage, anywhere over a few hours is fine.

Preheat the oven to 150C/ 300F.

Line two 12 hole cupcake or muffin trays with paper cases.

Beat the butter and sugar together (it's easier if the butter is at room temperature rather than cold, you can use an electric mixer if you want but you don't have to) until it's soft and pale yellow. Then add the eggs and marmalade and mix well.

In another bowl, combine the spices with the almond meal, nuts and flour.

Stir half of the flour mixture into the butter mixture, then add half of the fruit and liquor and mix it through. Once they're all combined, you can gradually add the other half of the flour, and then the other half of the fruit.

Fill the paper cases with the batter to just over halfway, they're dense so they don't rise a huge amount, but you don't want them spilling everywhere so underfilling is always better.

Bake for about 30 minutes, though it will depend on the size of your paper cases and your oven, so keep an eye on them the first time you make them and check them when they look set on top. They're done when you can skewer them right through the middle and the skewer comes out clean.

Cool them in their tins if possible.

Once they're totally cooled, you can decorate them with marzipan, royal icing, glace fruit or nuts with a jam glaze to stick them on, ribbons around the paper cases, or other edible decorations.

Enjoy, any problems with the recipe or any things you've substituted that worked well let me know!

Ourselves

2011-11-30T20:34:00.002+11:00

people say that we should be in touch with ourselves
(introspection--
not masturbation- that's another blog post)
and we should be aware of who we want to be
in order to make steps towards becoming that person
set out life goals and attain them
follow the path we're meant to follow
self improvement and personal growth throughout our lives
but we should do all that without losing sight of who we were in the first place.
because too much change is a bad thing, right?
we shy away from too much change, especially in a person. And especially if that change doesn't fit in with how we saw them before.
Does this way of thinking of ourselves as static personalities hold us back?
"You've changed" is never the compliment it should be.
but i don't think we should be afraid of personal change
growth
no matter how far away from where we started we end up
especially as a submissive
taking on specific behaviours or traits desired by our Other for the long term--
traits that may not come naturally to us
isn't necessarily a bad thing.
so i feel that when you're looking at who you want to be
as a submissive, slave, slut, or otherwise
or who your One wants you to be
you shouldn't be thinking
"how far away from present me is this ideal? Am i being true to my old self by taking this on?"
but more
"why do i/They find this desirable?"
for me, it's not the 'who' that matters.
it's the 'why'.

weeks apart

2011-11-26T08:54:00.002+11:00

firstly, i'd like to say thanks for everybody who's commented on the last few posts and who haven't been replied to- i'm without internet and so i'll be posting via email which is great, but it makes it a little difficult to respond to comments. i appreciate everybody who takes the time to respond to my posts.
okay. now that's done, i'm on to today's topic. Sex.
It's pretty rare for us to go more than a few days without having sex. Sometimes we just don't get time together, or have trouble with privacy, or other things happen that mess with that for us, but usually if we're together the sex is pretty much a given.
It's a way to reconnect with each other, to reaffirm Master's control over me for both of us, even. Sex and power are intertwined for us, so there's always an aspect of Him controlling me during sex.
Sometimes He'll control my breathing- i hesitate to call it asphyxiation because it's not really depriving me of air to the point of where i could pass out- it's more of a momentary lengthening of the space in between my breaths, usually doing so by five seconds or less.
But mostly, that control comes from my orgasms.
i'm not allowed to orgasm unless i've been given permission. Sometimes i get a free pass during sex [this usually comes in the form of 'let's see how many times you can cum...']. Sometimes i have to beg to be allowed to cum. Sometimes He says no, but then later changes His mind. He tests constantly, if i can hold out for His word, if He can completely control my body through me.
He never says no for long.
He's happiest when i'm in a sexually receptive headspace- so i'd be ready for Him whenever He wants me, and really the more sex i get the more i want. He likes that.
The fact is, my body and mind turn off completely when i go for more than a few days without sex. i stop thinking about it, i stop fantasising, i stop wanting to masturbate or engage sexually with Master. It just seems to be how i'm wired. It's easily fixed though, because He never has trouble getting me back to that place.
so i shouldn't worry that He'd deny me sex or orgasms for an extended period of time, because really, there'd be no fun in that for Him.
It's sometimes hard to keep that in mind, though. There's always the possibility of a 'no' every time i have to ask. But somehow, i wouldn't have it any other way.

Spanking

2011-11-18T23:43:00.000+11:00

i miss being spanked.

i don't really know why. i'm happy and content in my place right now, even despite everything else that's been going on. Nothing's wrong. i feel owned and loved and happy in our relationship-- stressed yes, tired yes, falling apart in places and constantly madly patching up others, but i'm doing fine all things considered.

but that feeling i get when i've recently been put over Master's knee and spanked-- actually, properly, eye wateringly so--
that's missing.

i can't quite put my finger on the feeling exactly.
it's not just about the pain.
i was flogged last week and i can tell you that it wasn't nearly as much fun on my end as a spanking is.
in many ways i need pain, but spanking never seems to be about pain alone for us. It's more about control.

it balances me, grounds me, helps me to focus on the things that really matter and to stop fixating on the things that don't.
it's a special humbled feeling, a feeling of being overpowered but not in an unpleasant way. Looked after. Contentment at being put where i need to be, where both of us are so secure and happy. A yummy internal glow from the 'good girl' i get after it's done. Perhaps even occasionally pride at my external glowing red bottom.
i do so love my body when it's marked.

maybe i need to be spanked sometimes to be reminded that i'm doing all right by Master.

i know it's backwards to how almost everybody else does things
but when i get a spanking, it means Master is happy with me
we never play when we're not in a good place in the relationship,
and Master would never hit me when He's actually angry at me.

Spankings for me mean that He cares enough to take total control of me
even just for a few moments
physically take me under His hand
It means that He still wants to push me, hurt me, use me, play with me, mind and body.

and that's really important to me.

TMI 15th November

2011-11-15T20:00:00.001+11:00

@tmituesdayblog time again. i missed last week but i don't think i was ever going to do every one, so i'm pretty impressed that i've come this far!

1. What is your favorite type of weather?
i like it hot. Sunny and sticky. The kind of weather where all i want to do is lay naked and read a book in the dappled shade of a tree to get my body temperature to that just right kind of too hot, before sprinting and jumping into some cool body of water to cool down. then the process gets repeated. And then i like when it rains or storms really hard in the evening. i adore the rain when the outside temperature means i can skip around in it and get soaked while jumping in puddles without catching a cold.

2. How do you sustain the motivation and energy needed to write erotica regularly?
This is why i will probably never be able to publish a piece of work, or if i do, it'll take me a lot longer than most people. i can't force myself to write anything. it comes when it comes and what comes isn't really under my control. i have moments- which sometimes stretch into a week or so-- where i have really yummy erotic thoughts and just have to scribble them down somewhere regardless of where i am so they're not lost forever. That's when i'm in a writing mood. Otherwise, it's pretty useless for me to sit down with the intent of writing something erotic. i just can't make it come into my brain unless it's already there. Master used to get frustrated, because He'd task me with written erotic pieces and some days He'd get a LOT of words, and sometimes He'd get nothing because my mind was just blank.
i really have a lot of respect for writers who can just sit down and have their amazing thoughts just come to them when they want to. i don't seem to have the imagination or the attention span for such a feat. That's why i often go so long between writing erotic pieces.

3. Do you like roleplay? What is your favorite scenario?
We used to do a lot of roleplay. It used to be a big part of not just our sex life, and sometimes carried over to our real life. It's not anymore. i think as Master and i grew closer together, and we got more experience with what we want from our relationship and who we are as individuals, the need to have set roles to play just disappeared. We've morphed the good bits of the roles into our everyday life and in many ways, they are us now. We have an amazing sex life and an amazing D/s dynamic, but it's an extension of who we really are rather than being a role that gets played for a specific time, and i'm really thankful that sexy kinky bits of roleplay are now a feature in our relationship in a really comfortable, constant and realistic way.

4. Have you ever been hurt so badly in a past relationship, that it has affected you for the rest of your life?
hmm. This one is a little tricky, because i'm not even 30 yet. Yes, i'm damaged goods in the emotional department, but i'm getting stronger every single day that i spend in my relationship with Master. i've come so far in the few years that we've spent together, i don't doubt that i will be able to completely dismiss the after effects from my bad experiences one day. i still have a long way to go, but i have hope.

5. What message would you want to put in a fortune cookie?
'Look behind you'.

6. How big is your dick?
i always found it interesting that girls don't typically compare their body parts by size. if i get jealous of a girlfriend, it's because her breasts are a nice shape or her nipples are perky or her hips and butt are curvy or a multitude of other attractive things that i notice in women. i (because i can't speak for all girls) just don't quantify- i'm more interested in qualities.
For me, that's how i look at cocks too. i don't care how big it is in inches or whatever. i care about the softness of the skin, the unique taste and scent, the shape of the balls, the feel of the veins and ridges or the definition of the head, the heat, and the way it feels inside me.

but the men i've tried to explain this to didn't really seem to get that. it's all about the number, apparently.

Bonus: I would like to know, do you have Formspring on your blog? Why or why not?

Yep- i'm wyldrose on formspring.me. It's a great prompt for when i feel like writing but don't know what to write about. i like helping others, so the opportunity to give advice or opinions about things that people want to be anonymous to ask is really nice too.

Bonus, bonus: What is the best or oddest formspring question you’ve been asked? What was your answer?

i'm flattered but a little confused by the anonymous questions along the lines of 'can I fuck you?'. i don't really see why somebody would ask that in a forum where it's just not going to happen. i mean, even if i did say yes, it doesn't teleport me to them, does it?

Deep Breath

2011-11-13T13:55:00.001+11:00

The week ahead is going to be difficult.
i've been putting off writing about it
(actually i've been putting off writing at all, and i'm sorry for that)

i've been dreading what's coming
for weeks now
it's been a thick, dark mass of clouds on the horizon
looming
getting steadily closer
but i've been somewhat content to pretend that the wind will change and spare me the storm
all that matters is the sunshine above me now, right?

wrong.
i don't even get an umbrella.

but i guess there's no two ways about it-
whether i like it or not
and regardless of whether i go in kicking and screaming or--
well, otherwise
(i don't think i can manage calm)
this week is going to happen.

so i've decided that i'm going to go in with a head as clear as i can possibly make it.
Because as much as i would LOVE to be moping and stressing and sobbing and hiding and complaining, they won't help me to get through everything i have to for the coming week.

and they certainly won't help me support Master, either.

monday-- tomorrow-- Master's going in for surgery. He'll be out of hospital by dinnertime but out of action for awhile.

tuesday-- bright and early at 9am-- i have an exam for university. the outcome of which will have an impact on my life, one way or another.

thursday-- i have a medical appointment that will finally hopefully give me some answers, even though i'm not sure i will want to hear them so much when they do come.

friday-- another critically important 9am exam.

and saturday-- i have to move out of my apartment by myself, fill my car with all my stuff, and drive the several hours to my parents' home in the country.

oh, and my period's due on tuesday.

Oh, Briana!

2011-11-10T11:25:00.004+11:00

It's sex toy review time once again, and this month Master decided to try out a pocket pussy. We hadn't played with one of these before, so i thought it'd be nice to get Master's thoughts on it instead of reading me theorising about how it might have felt for Him. So it's over to Master this month! i'll write a little at the bottom.

Hello, Readers.

WyldWyl here, doing a guest review of the Briana Banks UR3Pocket Pussy by Doc Johnson. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m rose’s slightly less than terrifying Master. It’s nice to meet you, too.

Ok. So let me start off by saying that the name of this product is slightly misleading. While it’s referred to as a pocket pussy, the dimensions of the unit itself are far from pocket sized. With the whole thing being around the size of a fairly thick novel (for example, it’s taller and almost as long and wide as my copy of Dune), and being fairly weighty (the website says 1.5lbs/680g), it’s not exactly going to slip easily into most people’s pants. Additionally, despite what you might see on the website, the unit that arrived was not blue, but flesh-toned, with the clit painted a rather vivid red. The toy itself seems fairly durable. Though the vivid red paint on the clit did rub off during the first usage of it, that seems to me to be an improvement.

My first impressions of the unit, from the packaging and its initial appearance were not good. The box is tacky, looking like it has come straight from the seediest back-ally porn store of Andrea Dworkin’s nightmares, and the unit itself with its slightly tanned colouration and “realistically modelled” vulva and anus does not exactly inspire animal lust for me. The unit does, however, have a pleasant slightly talcum powder-like smell, and the texture of it is quite enjoyable to squeeze. As for its resemblance to Briana Banks’ pussy and anus it seems to be quite faithful, from the cursory research I conducted.

But let’s get down to the usage. Firstly, don’t try and get into this thing without lube. While both openings are stretchy, the material is dry and rubbery, so some kind of lube is a must. While the product claims to be compatible with all lubes, I’d still suggest you stick to silicone or water-based lubes. Also, as it can’t be effectively sterilised, either use a condom or don’t share it.

Between the size and weight of the unit, I found it to be somewhat awkward to use. What seemed to be the best way to use it was to have pet hold it in place between her legs (in other words, over her own pussy) and use it that way. But that raises the question of why you’d want to use it at all, if the real thing was available? For solo operation, I found the best way was to lie on your back, hold it in place and thrust up into the hole of your choice. Note that between using both hands to hold it in place, and the substantial amount of lube required, it would make looking at porn on an iPod, mobile, laptop or similar difficult, so if you’re inclined to switch your stimulation regularly, it may be an awkward toy to use.

As for the sensation provided by the unit itself, well…it’s pleasant. Though it bills itself as ‘ultra realistic’, the only way I could see someone buying that is if they had not actually experienced intercourse before. That’s not to say it feels bad, just that it doesn’t feel very much like real anal or vaginal sex. With the bullet (not provided, by the way) inserted and thrumming, the sensation it provides is agreeable, particularly when it has warmed up a little from your own body heat. Although the vibrator is not provided, getting one to use with it will definitely improve your experience with this toy. I found the vaginal opening to be a little loose for my tastes, so I preferred the butt option. The length of either channel however is fairly short, so those of you with longer cocks than I might find it to be too short to take your entire length. Fortunately, there is a hole at the top so you won’t find yourself butting painfully against the end of toy. The only concerns I had is that it was difficult, even in the tighter opening, to get enough pressure to actually make me cum. Other users with different tastes, though, might find it easier. After use, it cleans easily, though the material does seem to get hair, dust and such stuck to it, so you might want to re-wash it again before use.

I also noticed a somewhat disconcerting sound when withdrawing from either opening, something like the sound of a stick being run down a glockenspiel- leading to me referring to the toy as the cockenspiel. Other than that, and the occasional squelching sound, the toy is quiet enough to use just about anywhere.

Overall, the toy is reasonably nice. While male masturbators like this certainly would provide a fun way to vary your routine masturbation, it’s not at all a substitute for the real thing. rose did report that she found watching me use the toy to be pretty hot, so for couples it might make an interesting addition to your foreplay every now and again. At US$21, it’s hardly going to break the bank, and even if you only use it a couple of times, they should be fun enough to make the purchase worthwhile. So to sum up, if you’re curious, or a fan of this kind of toy, it’s probably worth getting- but if you’re not, you’re certainly not missing out on that much.

rose's note- trying out this pocket pussy was a fun way to spend an afternoon. Like Master said, the vaginal canal in the toy is quite short- 4 3/4 inches, according to the EF website. The anal canal was longer and can accommodate about 6 inches. Though, like Master noticed, thrusting out the end of the toy wasn't painful because of the soft and squishy material it's made of. While it would probably be more fun for those who enjoy more stimulation at the head of their cock, it might not be suitable for the men with longer cocks if they want to use all their length. Thickness wasn't too much of a problem, while the openings look small at the start, they stretch pretty easily with some lube and some patience. It was a fun experience to use the toy as a couple, even though i think the stigma is that these toys are just for lonely men without girlfriends. While i'm not really worried about Master kicking me out in favour of Briana any time soon, it's pleasurable and fun, two of the most important things that a good sex toy has to have.

The only real problem we encountered is to do with storage- unlike the fleshlight's protective plastic outside, this toy is by itself and only comes in a tacky-looking cardboard box, so you really need to keep it somewhere away from the dust, lint and hair that will get stuck to it when you're not using it. And it's not really something that you can excuse away as being something else if your friends suddenly drop around!

First TMI Tuesday

2011-11-01T21:12:00.001+11:00

brought to you by @tmituesdayblog. i figure now's as good a time as any to jump on the bandwagon. To see everybody else's answers or to sign up yourself, head here.

TMI Tuesday 1st November 2011: Let's talk about sex!

1. What sexual act arouses you the most? For that matter, what nonsexual act arouses you the most?

The sexual act that arouses me the most would probably be giving oral sex. i actually can't pick between going down on a woman or a man--- that's too hard, they're both really fun and really sexy.

The nonsexual act that arouses me the most is easily being spanked. It's so sexy and so intimate, being across Master's lap and feeling all vulnerable and small and being physically overpowered. i love it when He spanks me hard, then stops to stroke me so gently or scratch His nails down my back or pulls my hair. i'm rarely expecting what He's going to do and it just makes it so much better. The type of pain that comes with spanking is the one that usually turns me on the most easily as well. i just love being spanked, and everything that comes with it!

2. What is your signature or “go to” move that is sure to get a lover in the mood for sex?

Honestly, i rarely have to initiate sex with Master, because He's great at reading what i want before i even have to ask. Sometimes i do ask though. Mostly, all i have to do is climb into His lap and look at Him a certain way, say 'come to bed, please?' or 'can i please suck Your cock?', or even just kiss Him, and He gets the picture pretty quickly. i'm lucky like that i suppose!

3. Do you queef?

i actually had to look the meaning of this up. How sad. Yes, of course i do sometimes! i think it's unavoidable with some positions, or with really rough sex. It embarrassed me maybe the first few times it happened, but on the occasion that it does now i hardly even notice because we've usually switched positions by then and there are, er, more pressing matters at the forefront of my mind!

4. What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to YOU as a result of your sex writings (e.g., blog, erotica, sex toy reviews)? (borrowed from Insatiabear)

Meeting people in person at munches and the like and hearing 'You're *that* rose? I read you!' is really surreal still, and it's happened a few times now. the first time i really talked in detail with a close friend about sex toys was a little odd- mostly because it's a bit hard to own up to people who aren't hugely into toys that i've had some experience with them. That wore off quickly when i realised that i was actually helping and now i don't even think twice about it. i don't really think of anything else as weird though. When Master and i go to sex toy shops i usually end up having a great chat with the salespeople about the toys, try some out or just have a look at what's new, or even sometimes teach them a thing or two! A few times i've also helped other people while at a toy shop, though i try not to butt in unless they're really lost or frustrated looking.

5. Have you ever had sex while someone watched?
i've never had sex with somebody present for the sole purpose of watching. They've either been an active participant in my sex, or with somebody else at the time.

…someone else was in the room?
When i was younger, my best friend and i both picked up girls at the same party. Because there was limited space and because we both wanted to hook up, we ended up sitting side by side on a big couch with the girls on our laps. We were both pretty uh-- preoccupied-- so i wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing or actively watching him, and we didn't swap, but still it was a pretty intense moment. Their background noise added to the sexy feeling, it was pretty fun.

…someone else in the bed, next to you and the person you’re having sex with?
i've had two threesomes, one mmf and one ffm. So yes, that's happened a few times. Sometimes there are moments where it's just two people having sex and the other one trying to fit themselves in, somehow.

6. When it comes to sex, and discussing it with your teen have you or would you:
a. Let school sex education handle it
b. Hand the teen a book or point them to a website
c. Talk frankly and openly
d. Avoid it all together–society, friends, and the internet will give all the info needed

The whole parenting thing is something that's a bit out of my reach at the moment. Honestly, i have absolutely no idea what i will do when it's time to teach my kids about sex. i really want to teach them to love and respect their bodies, and to respect other people. i don't want them to make the same mistakes i did, but i guess everybody goes about parenting in that way. i want to be available to help and to teach, and to be understanding, but not scary or too full on. It's such a delicate balance with sex education and teenagers, and walking that line is one of the reasons i have so much respect for parents. i just hope i've got some idea by the time it's really needed.

Keeping Fish

2011-11-01T14:28:00.002+11:00

When you first bring a new fish home from the shop and go to put it in the tank or bowl you've set up, you should leave it in its bag to float around in the tank for a while. This helps the water in the bag come up to the temperature of the fish tank and reduces the stress on the fish. If you're particularly fish friendly and in a patient mood, you're also meant to let a little of the tank water into the bag at a time once the temperatures are matched, and over a period of an hour or more, keep increasing the ratio of tank water to shop water in the bag until it's mostly tank water.
Then you can let the fish swim into the tank, stress-free.
my time living alone with Master fulltime is over. Soon, i'll be back in my tiny little apartment on my own for the final stretch of this year. At the end of it is, hopefully, the start of a new life together. Next year is still full of so many promises and opportunities, so many things that we've been looking forward to but have had put on hold this year for various reasons beyond our control.
But right now, that feels miles away, and the uncertainties incline me to worry about whether i'll ever actually be able to attain all the Things i Want.
And i'm left wondering if any amount of swapping tank water could possibly make that first night alone, after what feels like an eternity, any easier.

Off the Mark

2011-10-27T16:34:00.001+11:00

i'm completely clueless about what to do when somebody's in a bad mood. Especially Master.

Lately, this has become a problem, because Master's been stressed lately, and so has been a bit more moody than He usually is.

i tend to approach everything like it has a solution. Like it can be fixed if i just work out the right combination of things to do, or say, or to stop doing. It's part of what makes me such a passionate person, i guess, because i'm usually willing to try just about anything to move forward when something gets in my way. And because i rarely give up once i start trying to find that magic solution.

But you can't 'fix' somebody's mood. As much as i would love to, i can't make Him happy all the time.

The old things i used to do to take His mind off the things He was stressing about haven't had such a nice effect. He seems sick of me being a playful brat to make Him smile and has been encouraging me to stop with all of that. So when i've been trying different things to cheer Master up lately and they haven't worked, it's almost made me turn in on myself.

Like- "if i can't fix it, i must be the cause of it" kind of thinking. Which makes me want to give Him a wide berth, run away, freeze up or just stop engaging with Him or trying to please Him. And when you're a fulltime slave, those things aren't really classified as productive or desirable by any stretch of the imagination. Even worse is trying to provoke Him into 'taking it out' on me, which i probably don't need to explain didn't go down particularly well for anybody involved.

It seems like i'm always good at working out what *not* to do, but not so good at working out what i should be doing instead. i guess the important part is that i'll get there in the end, after probably eliminating everything else. Wish me luck.

Supersonic

2011-10-23T21:19:00.001+11:00

Master: *heading towards the kitchen* "Would you like a drink or ice cream or something to eat, pet?"
rose: "No thanks, i'm fine".
Master: "You're sure?"
rose: "Yes."

*ten seconds later, and Master is now almost all the way back to the lounge from the kitchen after getting Himself an icecream*

rose: *having heard the box of her favourite type of ice creams being rustled* "Yes please, Master?"

Sometimes i wonder how He puts up with me.

Just ask!

2011-10-22T17:51:00.005+11:00

i've probably been blogging too long, but lately i feel like writing and am just coming up blank on things to talk about. So if you've got any suggestions, please let me know!

Ask me questions about anything at all!

Change

2011-10-20T15:31:00.001+11:00

i can't quite put my finger on when or how the change came about. i'm still not really completely sure about the extent of the change. It just happened.

Master is more in control of me than ever before. But instead of it going the usual way-- with a bit of a scuffle, misunderstanding or other unpleasantness-- it just... disappeared from my grasp. It was like it was this heavy bag that i'd been carrying around without really noticing and all of a sudden Master just scooped it up from my hand and we kept walking.

He's been looking after me. Spoiling me, yes. Doing things for me that i could do myself.

i was so used to having independence in those little things. Things like transporting myself around and cooking meals and being strong for myself when i had to do things i didn't want to.
He's been driving me where i need to go, and picking me up, and making me breakfast, and telling me when to sleep, and when to work, and when to relax, and holding my hand and telling me i'm a good girl when i had to go to the doctors.

This morning i had to have a blood test and beforehand i was freaking out about it. He was driving us and He interrupted me mid "i'm scared, i don't want to go, we don't have do go do we" line and He just said "drink some water, pet".
and i did, even though i didn't really feel thirsty. the water made me feel better.

But it also stuck out at me. That's the dynamic we seem to have shifted to. He's taken so much control from me and yet it's been so very easy to give it, and to give in to Him. i never thought i'd be able to give so much without fighting back, or struggling with it. like i wrote in my last post- it's been smooth. Comfortable. Easy. i feel safe and loved and cared for and yet i'm still treating Master with respect and obeying His every word and - even more importantly- i'm happy and eager to obey.

He's been stricter, too. More definite about what He does and doesn't want. More sure about what is and isn't proper behaviour for me and more comfortable correcting me. More likely to tell me exactly what i'm not allowed to do any more. He's even said that i'm to ask permission for things more often now.

As surprised as i was when i realised that i haven't been fighting back much at all lately- even the 'no' that doesn't get followed through isn't happening much any more- i'm starting to realise that it's where i always wanted to be. It's almost as if i needed to be forced into being dependent to see how amazing it can feel to actually really and completely rely on one other person. i wasn't ever comfortable with it, for reasons that are probably pretty obvious if you've read me before. i feel like i'm blossoming and still don't really know what was behind the change that set it all in motion.

i don't know if He's taken up more control lately because He knows i'm stressed out, because He actually wants to do those little things. Maybe it won't last. Or maybe He just knew that taking control of the things i didn't ever even think about before was going to be the biggest step we've taken so far. i know i sure didn't see it coming. Maybe i'll never know. Maybe this will be one thing that Master chooses to keep to Himself. It's certainly within His power to do so. And i'm okay with that.

but suddenly those little independences don't seem so little at all.

The Big Bad Bunny

2011-10-14T17:25:00.002+11:00

It's time to talk sex toys again. This review is a little late, sorry everybody!

Master and i take it in turns to pick out the sex toy that i write a review of each month. This month was my turn. Maybe it was because i was feeling particularly brave at the time, maybe it was because i wanted to please Master by showing Him that i can push my own limits every once in a while, maybe it was because one of my good friends was raving about how amazing her latest sex toy purchase was which made me feel like i'd been missing out, and maybe it was because i felt like i should at least try as many different toys as possible in order to write interesting reviews, i'm not quite sure.

Whatever the reason, this month i asked my lovely blogger rep for a rabbit vibrator to try out. i'd never tried one before, and was admittedly pretty scared of them. i don't like the way some of them look like alien robot penises, i hate the unnatural movement that comes with those odd beads and weird rotating phallic heads, and i was kinda under the impression that they'd make me lazy when it came to sex and orgasms.

It was really stupid of me, but i'd somehow put all that 'you'll be stuck in your room masturbating with this one thing constantly and completely lose interest in real sex and so Master will leave you' kind of nonsense just on rabbit toys. And i'm pathologically afraid of being a) disinterested in sex and b) lazy in bed to the point of being not pleasurable to the person i'm having sex with and only focused on my own pleasure. Which i'd lumped onto the rabbit vibe as well.

It's unlikely that your body will get 'addicted' or 'desensitised' to vibrators. It is possible for your brain to get tricked into thinking that you can't come without that very specialised kind of stimulation. Which gets worse and worse over time. i've known women who could only orgasm when they used one specific toy in one very specific way. This is a fact that frightens me. i never want to be unable to orgasm from fingers or a tongue or a real cock, i never want to be restricted to only one type of stimulation and if i were, i would much prefer that the one type of stimulation to be human touch, rather than something man made. But that's just me.

Anyway, the point of this pathetic little rant is that i was scared of what using a rabbit for the first time might do to me, but i was a little bit curious as well. Which is a good frame of mind to be in, i think. It meant that i was getting ready to try something new, for better or for worse. It helped that Master was extremely supportive of my choice, and admitted to being a little turned on about watching me using it for the first time when it arrived.

And arrive it did. That was the beginning of my new love affair. The lucid dream no. 12 is made by Doc Johnson and is made of TPE plastic. TPE is a great, hypo-allergenic material, but it can't be sterilised, so this is a condom covered or no anal or sharing kind of toy. It comes in pink or purple, and is somewhat different to traditional rabbit vibrators as it's got more of a rounded, wavy blobs look than the usual alien penis or cutesy animal stuck on rabbits. It does tend to attract lint, so make sure you give it a good wash before and after each use, and make sure you store it somewhere it won't get covered in dust or hair.

Initially, i was a little scared by it because of its girth- until i realised that the thick, scary part is actually the handle and not even remotely intended for insertion. The main shaft is quite short (almost 4")- but has a really lovely bump on the end before tapering right off. Two bullet vibes are inside the blob on the end of the shaft and inside the extra little rounded blob positioned to stimulate the clitoris while the main part is inserted. The vibe is push button and has 3 different speeds, which it cycles through with each successive click of the button. That's probably my only gripe about the toy, that you have to cycle through all 3 speeds and off if, say, you want to turn it down. It really didn't stop me loving the lucid dream, though. The vibes work together, so you can't turn one up higher than the other or operate them one at a time, but when they're both running the motors create a really nice wavelike sensation that ripples between each end of the toy.

The design of this toy is amazing. Everybody is a slightly different shape, but i found that the main bump was positioned perfectly to stroke my g-spot while the other was perfectly positioned to reach my clit in the best way possible. i really like the wavy, bumpy shape- i think it's cute and quite different, and certainly gave the impression it was made for me! You can use it to thrust or just hold it in place, either way feels quite different. Master enjoyed using it on me and as always i lapped up being able to hand over the controls to Him, but i get the feeling that this is more designed to use on yourself.

It's really quiet, almost impossible to hear when it's inserted even when it's turned up onto its highest setting. The vibrations aren't knock your socks off hitachi strength but they build slowly to a really intense high that's quite indescribable. i really loved that it's even great on days where i'm super sensitive but builds to a really satisfying climax. The bump on the main shaft is almost 2" in diameter, so it gives a really yummy feeling of being filled up but might require a little bit of a warm up. It is waterproof but i haven't tested this out yet.

This isn't going to be an everyday thing for me. i still love having sex with Master way more than i do the sensations that any toy could provide. This was something completely different- a really new experience for me both psychologically and physically. It felt amazing in itself, i felt great having conquered a new fear and making Master both horny and pleased with me. i loved every minute of playing with this toy and i don't doubt that i'll ask for permission to use it again. but i don't envision it- or any other toy for that matter- taking over my sex life. It can be a special sometimes treat. Which makes me feel really good, somehow. Like it reaffirmed in my mind that Master and i don't need the outside stimulation to have the crazy hot sex life that we do. Those things are just extra added fun.

So as usual, i tried something that terrified me and ended up completely enjoying myself. That'll teach me to do more terrifying things, right? Yeah, i doubt that too.

Smooth

2011-10-10T18:09:00.001+11:00

i've been living with Master almost fulltime for a month or so now. It's not a permanent arrangement, so we've been making the most of it. We've got a month or so more of this before we have to take on the complexities of living mostly apart again.

We've been together for 3 or so years now and have lived together in short stretches throughout the course of our relationship, so it's not like this is our first time spending so much time together. Two weeks here, a month there, averaging 4 days per week together most weeks and longer when we can afford it.

usually when we're actually living together, some bumps crop up after a little while and trip us up. We have a disagreement or something else just gets lost in translation. And i don't want to jinx anything, but this latest stint has been--- smooth. Comfortable, even.

Relationships are hard work. That's probably the best piece of advice i've ever been given. You can love somebody with every inch of your being, and they can feel the same way about you, but that doesn't mean that every minute you spend together is going to be blissful and easy. Some of the most amazing times i've had with Master, where we've really felt how strong our relationship is, have been when we've been crying for 8 hours and screaming at each other and have ended up working through the problem, even though it hurt like hell at the time. Even when it would have been so much easier to just walk away.

He's worth any amount of work, any amount of pain, any amount of uncomfortable introspection or pushing through the things in my head that hold me back. Our relationship is worth holding onto and fighting for, even if that's not always easy. i almost feel like we've come so far and become so incredibly close because we were always willing to admit that we'd always choose being together and do anything to make that happen, no matter what the alternatives were.

i feel like we've finally learned how to balance everything that comes with living together. Finally worked out what our roles are, and how that applies to the everyday stuff that you don't even really think about, but if something is wrong they're the first things to annoy you and start destroying the relationship from the inside.

Everything feels right this time. There's enough kink and enough constant dynamic that i'm not feeling lost or unsatisfied, there's not too much so Master feels comfortable and isn't getting too worn out, there's enough vanilla couple time so we're feeling connected and enough friendship that we can give each other space and just chill out separately or joke around together. It's really neat, and really comfortable, and i'm feeling fantastic about it.

i suppose that happy blog posts don't make such good reading, but they sure feel great to write.

Busting Out

2011-10-05T22:45:00.006+11:00

i developed early. Really early.
My breasts grew fast and they were proportionally big on my body. It got me a lot of attention when i was at an age where the last thing i wanted was to be looked at.

In high school, my best friends were male and they'd always tell me to cover up because they were afraid that if they saw too much of my cleavage, they'd start to think of me as a girl and our almost sibling like friendship would be over. So i covered up as much as possible, but still got noticed and hit on quite a bit because of my shape. i hated it. i started to distrust people who were attracted to me-- what was it they wanted, my body, or me?

i started to resent my breasts quite a lot. It was like they had this power over men that turned them into jerks who just saw me as a sex toy and not even remotely in the fun way. At one stage i seriously considered having plastic surgery to rid me of them. i just wanted them gone.

i couldn't understand the pain women with cancer went though when they lost breast tissue to the disease. It was like my mind screamed- they're alive, aren't they?

Then Master came along. And when He fell in love with me-- the real me, not my chest size- i started to think differently about everything. Master loves my curves and encourages me to embrace my femininity. Though they're not everything, they're still an important part of what attracts Him to me and i can't hide them.

i no longer want to hide them. i have bought some amazing lingerie that makes me feel sexy and i'm even risking low cut tops every now and again. The stares still sting sometimes but it's getting easier for me to put a 'they're just looking at how much you're smiling' thought in my head than it ever has been. i'm starting to love my breasts, after so many years of hating them and wishing they'd just go away.

i've started checking my breasts regularly, and i even bite the bullet and make sure i go to the doctor when it's breast exam time again.

Because i'm starting to realise what those women stand to lose. It's not just breast tissue. It's tied in with our feminine essence, our identity. Our ideas of beauty as women and ability to be amazing mothers. Our self esteem.

And because i know that early detection, and awareness, are as close to a cure as we can get right now.

So spread the word, everybody. And show your breasts some love. It could save your life.

NB: this video will have you singing about boobs for days to come. It's super catchy. Swear words, politics and breast references contained within.

Spaced Out

2011-10-04T13:31:00.002+11:00

i've had a lot of trouble with my headspace lately.
i feel like i need a spanking- well, i want a spanking- and i think about it all day and then when Master and i get time and are alone i can't find the right headspace to receive a spanking the way i wanted to. So it either doesn't happen, or it does happen and i'm a little disappointed in myself for not really enjoying it.
That probably doesn't make sense if you're not a submissive so i'll try to explain. What i'm craving is the high from being spanked and enjoying it. i miss getting off on pain and eroticising Master's power over me in a physical sense.

We've played a few times lately anyway and i haven't spaced. It's not the same. Every spank makes me think 'ow' rather than 'yumm'. i've been having trouble putting my ego away too, which left me open to get a bit hurt after a particularly intense degradation scene a few days ago.
That wouldn't happen if i'd been in space, it wouldn't have affected me at all. Everything seems to just be easier when i'm in the right place for whatever we're doing. Now it seems like i'm not even in the right place for the things i want. i'm not blaming anybody, don't get me wrong... The scenes were still nice because i got to feel that warm fuzzy feeling from pleasing Master even when it was difficult. i've also been glowing from being able to care for Master in a domestic way as i've been living with Him. i love those feelings and i need to feel them, in many ways.
It's just not quite the same as the selfish, superficial enjoyment i'd gotten used to. The ironic thing is, if i got that all the time i'd be wanting to be pushed and have an opportunity to put Master not just first, but only.
It's a balancing act, i guess. Only the direction in which we lean is completely out of our control. So we just have to wait until it's swung the other way.

Master's New Game

2011-09-28T17:59:00.001+10:00

He's started tickling me. He never used to, but now it's an almost daily occurrence. i'm still not sure what He gets out of it exactly. i think He likes being able to physically and incapacitate me so easily. That's got to be a power high, right?

He tickles my feet. my tummy. my sides. my back. Any part of me that He can reach, really. Often, being the extremely ticklish being that i am, i kick and laugh and scream and wriggle, trying to get away.

But there's no escape. He's bigger than me, and He holds me down and tickles me. He ignores me begging Him to stop.

Or He tells me to ask properly, formally, and says that He won't stop until the magic words have been spoken clearly--
because He knows that while i'm laughing uncontrollably and squealing and struggling for breath, i'm physically incapable of forming sentences, much less getting out a suitable formal request. So it goes on and on and i get more and more frantic until He finally decides to stop and let me get my breathing back to normal.

By that time, i'm usually a spluttering mess, and my body is twitching uncontrollably from being catapulted into prey mode and thinking that His every touch is going to be a tickle that must be avoided at any cost--
Then He likes to feel me squirm and writhe in His arms after He's stopped tickling me until i've settled again. He strokes my hair and whispers in my ear and pins me against His chest, forcing me back into a state of relaxation.

By which time i've probably said something bratty and am liable to be tickled again.

30 Days of submission- Day 2

2011-09-26T17:09:00.001+10:00

i'm skipping around a bit, this is Q. 9 from the list written by @justxonexgirl:

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

i love structure. i crave it, i enjoy it, and occasionally i feel as though i can't function at my best without it.

but i do not expect it from Master. It's not something that He gets a lot out of, giving me structure or micromanaging me or setting rules up to say what i can and can't do. He feels that by now i should know what He expects of me, so setting up that structure isn't a good use of His time.

So because i feel like i'm at my best when i have structure and rules set up, a lot of those things are actually devised and maintained by me alone. i don't have to ask Master permission to do anything- except to orgasm and occasionally to stay up late- but i ask Him for a lot of things just because it gives me that feeling of security that rules provide.

i like rules and structure because it's black and white, and when things are black and white i don't have to stress about the things i'm not aware of and could be doing wrong. i get such a high from doing things that i know i have to do. Today we spent two hours on housework and i was just blissfully happy, even when i was scrubbing the floors. It gives my brain a chance to turn off and stop stressing about the tiny little stupid things i'm always worried about, because i know that at least i can do this one thing and that will make Master happy. So i try to give myself as many chances to be 100% sure that i haven't messed up somewhere as Master's patience will allow.

Limits are another thing entirely, really. When we met, i had a lot of limits. A long, long list. Over time, Master had me re-write my limits list, and every six months or so i'd be amazed as i seemed to have fewer and fewer limits. Now i don't really have any- so what Master says goes regardless of what i say about it.

Some of it was me learning that i could trust Master enough to let those things happen, some of it was learning who Master is and realising that many of the things that are on people's limits checklists are things that He would never make me do. i don't have to say 'no, You can't tell me to kill somebody, that's a hard limit' because i know that Master would never ask such a thing of me. So in some ways i have limits, but they're Master's rather than my own. It's a lot easier for me that way.

Because while i second guess myself all the time, and have trouble figuring out what's good for me,
i never doubt Him.

Sick

2011-09-25T22:32:00.001+10:00

i'm sick. This is day two of feeling really pretty miserable. Dizzy spells, a really sore throat, chills, super bad headaches-- sick. but not anything serious. Master will probably send me to the doctor tomorrow, though. Just to be safe.

it's nice to feel Him like this. So protective. i've been spoiled all day. He's got me whatever i wanted and tried to make me feel better as much as He could. i don't usually have a hard life by any standard- Master always treats me so well- but still it's nice to be spoiled sometimes. it's nice to be reminded how loved and cared for i am. it's also quite nice to feel helpless and be able to rely on Him to look after me. There's a certain power and trust in that.

i still can't accept everything He says unquestioningly, though. He told me to go to bed an hour and a half ago. i said i was feeling fine, not sleepy, i wanted to stay up and be near Him while He was on His computer. He gave me the 'You know I know what's best for you but I'm not going to bother to fight you on this' look and i counted it as a personal victory. So i curled up in His bed and just watched and listened to Him for a while. Then i started to feel sleepy. Really sleepy.

i should have just gone to bed when He told me to, huh. i wonder if i will ever be that girl.

Tumble

2011-09-18T22:33:00.002+10:00

when i met Master, my self confidence was at zero.
Once upon a time, i was an athlete and when i failed to maintain that body after the competitions ended, i never really fell in love with what it turned into. Master was the first person i slept with who i allowed to see me naked.
It took a long time for me to accept that He liked my body, wanted it, even. i got my head around it in terms of the objectification part of our relationship- it was His, so He wanted it to look a certain way and that He liked it was okay by me. i just still wasn't really happy with it myself. It's like a piece of artwork- not everybody feels the same way about the same image.
i've been working out a lot, trying to watch my diet and trying to look after my body for Master. my weight's been up and down this year, and lately it's on the 'up' side of things. it's not a huge difference at all, but i can tell.
today, it finally caught up and completely crippled me. i don't even know why, i just suddenly lost all that acceptance that He's built up in me for the past few years. And now i can't shake the sick and completely irrational feeling that i was being lied to.
i feel completely useless, not attractive, not feminine, not sexy. Like a complete waste of Master's time and effort.
i feel fat.
and feeling that way about myself is just not good enough.
This blog isn't about weightloss or body image. This blogpost isn't about me being a whiny fat person who doesn't do anything about being unhappy with their body. i already spend at least 4 hours in the gym per week and i'll double it if i have to, to get the weight off.
this is about me trying to come to terms with a blow to something that was critical to my slavery. That acceptance has to come back, and i have to find some way to keep from cringing when He compliments me or i see a mirror.
Because sooner rather than later, He's going to want the slut back, and not having the confidence to disrobe and satisfy Him just isn't an option.

30 Days of submission- Day 1

2011-09-13T13:45:00.001+10:00

From defer&submit:

1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

i've struggled with this for a lot of the time i've been with Master. For Him, it's never been something that matters, but for some stupid reason, it does matter to me. Having something that fits who i am, what i am.

What i am, and what we are, has changed over the course of our relationship. In the beginning, we were very stereotypical D/s, at least in my mind. i was expected to be submissive most of the time- including to other people, and He was expected to be Dominant all the time. This meant that He had a lot of pressure on Him to be pushing me constantly; i felt like my submission was only really contented when He was actively asserting Himself, keeping me in my place.

i had safewords and was encouraged to use them when whatever what we did made me uncomfortable. i was trained to react to certain prompts and directions in very specific ways and we had a lot of ritual involved in our life. i called Him 'Sir' all the time, and was expected to wear a physical collar full time. We scened more than we do now and though the scenes were less physically intense, they were more generally kinky- roleplays, costumes, extended scenes that involved me being tied up or naked and collared for extended periods of time.

The thing about that, is that it didn't work.
It faltered after a while because it couldn't handle real life, and we ended up falling to pieces more than once trying to figure out why it wasn't working. He wasn't coping with having to be the uber Dom and assert His authority every five seconds, and when He relaxed a bit i'd freak out and feel like i wasn't getting what i needed.

i'm not saying that it couldn't work for anybody, but it really didn't work for us and something had to give.

i don't really know how we got to where we are from that initial place but it took a long time, a lot of tears and a lot of just pushing through it.

And now?
Well, He's my Master. He gets the final say in everything. Even if His final say is that it's up to me.

As for me--
i'm whatever He wants me to be. i lean towards 'slave' because that's what He calls me, and it gives a good indication to other people about the level of control He has over me. But it still doesn't quite fit, somehow.

i still have submissive desires, i still blossom with strict rules and structure and occasionally i crave being forced to comply, hurt, spanked, controlled, or mentally and physically overpowered.

Those things are nice when they happen but they're not for all the time. They actually mean something when Master does them because He wants to, not because He thinks it's what i would want Him to do. A lot of finding our place in the relationship has been about realising that we're both happier when Master gets what He wants. i'm less of a masochist and more just plain turned on by sadism.

So my main goal in life is to make Him happy. To entertain Him, pleasure Him, to make His life easier or more interesting, to love and adore Him, to support Him, to make Him proud, to educate Him. Sometimes that means i submit but more often than not submission is the last thing He wants or needs from me. It means i get to be a brat and still be called 'good girl' at the end of the day.

So if there's a label for that, then sign me up.

Taken Down

2011-09-10T18:20:00.002+10:00

Today, we finally had enough time and space to roadtest our latest product from the sex toy review program at EdenFantasys. This month was Master's pick and He decided to add to our already bulging cupboard of BDSM toys with a little leather and faux fur slapper made by Spartacus.

Today was also our first ever experience with takedown play, and my first ever unprotected play session with the Sadist. Funny how these things just happened to co-incide, don't you think?

When i say 'unprotected', i mean that for this session, i didn't have the curtain of subspace to hide behind. i stayed down, i stayed very much conscious and aware of everything that was going on. Which isn't usual. My subspaces are unpredictable in that i can't always tell which one i'll be in at any given time, but still i usually go somewhere.

The strange thing is, that this time Master didn't stop wanting to play when i didn't hit subspace. Normally He'd back off when He realised that i wasn't enjoying it through subspace, but He was feeling very Sadistic today and wasn't too bothered that His fun was centered almost entirely around hurting me. i also want to make it clear that although i was protesting and fighting back, i enjoyed this session very much and still trust Master as much as ever. i might not be a masochist, but sadism is one of my biggest turn ons.

i stripped naked and lay facedown on the bed, making sure my nose was right on top of Master's hand so i was exactly where He wanted me positioned. He then warmed me up with a sound hand spanking. By around the tenth strike, i knew that i wasn't going to hit subspace and it had really started to hurt. Which made me tense up without meaning to, which made it hurt more, which made my body react more strongly in that self protect thing that it does. By the twentieth strike, i was sore, jumping all over the place, and most likely saying 'OW!' with increasing urgency. You can probably guess by now that my pain tolerance when i'm not in subspace is a tad pathetic, and you'd be right.

i'm also a brat when i'm being hurt and not in subspace. i protested, i yelled, i swore, i wriggled, i tried to worm my way out of the spanking as it got harder and harder, His strikes coming down faster. i chanced a look up at Him a few times and was met with an expression i can only describe as sadistic glee. My butt and thighs well warmed now, He brought out the new slapper and ran the super soft purple fuzz over my body, grinning at the way it made me squirm.

He pondered for a moment, before deciding to hit me with the fuzzy side first. It made a solid thwacking sound, but after His hand hitting me so soundly again and again, it didn't make much of an impact at all even though i'm a wimp when i'm not in subspace.

i actually thought "is that it?". i might have said something along those lines, and inbetween smacking me, Master decided that the soft furry side was more of a bark than a bite, engineered not to leave marks, but make a nice smacking noise and give a little bit of a taste of pain somewhat akin to a soft hand spanking. He struck me with that furry side a few more times, before deciding it didn't make me squeal enough to continue like that.
So He turned it over and started using the smooth leather side instead. With a steel core inside the leather, the thing isn't likely to just fall apart on you, which was a good thing for us as we're really hard on our toys (if you haven't guessed already). The leather side was a lot more bitey, a burning sting especially when applied to the back of the thighs. He switched between the toy and His open hand, and i decided that although the slapper felt similar in terms of sensation, His hand was ultimately more painful on my poor little red bottom.

Next came His belt. i thought the belt was going to be a lot more painful than it was, but i wasn't disappointed by much. A few minutes of lashes from the belt reddened my butt further and made me whimper. The Sadist was running on the taste of blood by then, and so He decided that He was going to cane me, just to see how i took it while not in space. i'm not sure exactly all of what i said when the thin, bendy rattan came swishing down, but it was loud and it didn't get me any sympathy. i couldn't believe how painful it was! i wouldn't have blinked at the caning if i was spacey, so it was really amazing to actually feel everything, even though He wasn't going nearly as hard as usual. He finished up with the noose cane, and then decided that i'd had enough.

But i said no. i wanted more, so i asked Him. i couldn't believe what i was saying. It hurt! It hurt so much! It wasn't making me cum, or even floaty and happy and peaceful, i was just drinking in His Sadism and so pleased to be making Him so happy. It was like i'd help free Him just a little bit.

So He caned me some more, and gave me a single, screamingly hard strike with the leather tawse i hate so much. i fought back, yelled and struggled and ended up pinned down effortlessly to receive the pain despite everything i tried. It was incredible and oh so hot. i never thought i'd protest like i did today and it turns out i really enjoyed it. i think i'd miss my subspace if i was always down and conscious for play, though.

The little fur slapper would be great for newbies and people who aren't hugely into pain but who like the idea of impact play. It makes a convincing noise, is well constructed and sturdy, will last well, can be used to hit hard with the fur side and not leave a mark, and to give a great if not super painful spanking with the leather side. It even works great for us old hands if we remember that slap and tickle is fun sometimes, too.

Asking

2011-09-06T14:54:00.001+10:00

Last night, i was feeling needy. i asked Master for permission to play with myself before bed, and of course He made me beg for it.
He loves that. Loves making me beg for pleasure, loves making me squirm while reminding me that He could very well be working me up for the purpose of denying me, which only makes me more needy.
Just the possibility that He could say no turns me on and He loves that. It makes me more desperate and more willing to do whatever it is that will make Him more likely to say yes. Which makes Him want to toy with me more. Which reminds me that He could say no any minute. It's a dizzying cycle of sex and power.
Last night, as is most often the case, He eventually said yes. i was relieved and proud of myself at the same time for asking permission for something i wanted and for being rewarded. i got ready for bed, stripped off, lay down, brought up those old faithful thoughts... and was soon high up, standing on the edge with just my toes dangling over.
And there i stayed. Unable to jump off completely and climax, just stuck at the top of the cliff and unwilling give up and roll back down defeated. i wanted to jump. i had been allowed to cum by myself. So why wasn't it happening?
So i asked again. Please Master may i cum.
No time for fancy punctuation or begging or explanations. There were more pressing matters at hand. Just those words.

i can imagine the confusion on His face when the text flashed up. Of course i was allowed to. Why did i need to ask again?
But still He indulged me.
'Cum for Master.'
He pushed me over that edge with such force, my head was still spinning long after my legs had stopped twitching.
i didn't need permission. i needed approval. Encouragement, even. i needed Him to play a real and integral part in that moment. Which is what i always need.
It's why i ask for things that i don't have to ask for according to the rules. Which i've realised that i do a lot more often than i perhaps first thought. It happens all the time, in both kinky activities and vanilla life. i just want to feel His control over me in as many ways as possible and i'm very good at inventing ways to feel it.
i guess i micromanage myself in that way. Never thought that was possible.

Small Stuff

2011-09-04T20:41:00.001+10:00

i got asked a little while back about my turn ons and turn offs and i've put answering it off, partly because i haven't had much time to write lately and partly because i find listing things like that to be a little petty and a little pointless. There are a lot of things that i find attractive, and a lot of things that i find unattractive, but they're not the be-all-and-end-all of what attracts me to somebody, and in isolation, they don't have much influence on whether i choose to continue our relationship.

Okay, anyway. Here we go:

Things i like/ find attractive:

Intelligence/humour, especially dark humour. Eccentricities. People who don't take things like sex too seriously, especially kinky people who aren't afraid to have a joke about themselves or BDSM.
Accents, uniforms, authority, playfulness, sarcasm.
People who are especially passionate about something.
Men who are bigger/taller than me, and girls who are smaller than me. In men, i love broad chests, strong shoulders and muscled thighs. In women, i love curves, silky hair and perky breasts.
Quiet, polite Dominance. For me, that means somebody who doesn't have to raise their voice to get their message across, or use threats or force. Somebody who makes 'May I please have a drink' sound like a direct order.
People who love animals.
Sadism.
Dirty talk. Dirty name calling (though i probably wouldn't like being called 'slut' permanently, it's so hot in the bedroom). Being told exactly and explicitly what my partner wants during sex. Being told how i could be doing better during sex.

Things i don't like/ find unattractive:

People with superiority complexes/ people who always have to be right or believe that they are always right/ people who will only talk about themselves/ people who are rude to others for no reason.
People who swear inappropriately. For me, it's fine to swear as an exclamation, like if you just hurt yourself or dropped your phone in the toilet, or during sex, but it starts to irk me if it's just for no reason or every second word.
People who are disrespectful of others. People who constantly put others down or complain about them. Especially those who constantly complain about their spouse.
False flattery/ people who over praise me.
Girls out in public in ultra revealing clothing. A short skirt is fine, a top that shows clevage is fine, but just not both of them together. Girls who wear tights as their only pants, jeans purposely ripped to reveal upper thighs, or ugg boots outside of the house go here, too.
Girls with thick orange foundation or fake tans.
Bad table manners. People who make horrible noises when they eat soup or drink something, or reach over me, or don't know how to use cutlery, or any other number of irritating eating habits.
Being moved down somebody's body as the only indication that they want oral from me. i love hearing 'suck my cock', or being asked to pleasure somebody in that way. i love it when Master holds me down and chokes me with His cock when i'm giving Him oral. But it really irks me if i'm kissing somebody and then their hand is on the back of my neck and i'm suddenly being pushed down their chest while they just lay there, it just seems to break the mood for me completely.

There's probably a lot more that i could add in, but it's not what i really wanted to talk about. Master's aware of all of this stuff, just like He's aware that i hate it when He makes me cum on command or that i feel really yuck when He pulls me suddenly out of subspace and that usually makes me grumpy. It's not surprising that He knows all this, because transparency is something we value highly in our relationship.

We're aware of those things on both sides- because everybody has pet hates and everybody is going to do something that somebody else doesn't like occasionally, we're no different. With that awareness, we were able to take away all of the power that those little things could have. Instead of those little things building up and becoming toxic to our relationship, or us growing more resentful every time somebody does something that the other doesn't like, we're instantly aware of it.

In a moment, i might really not like something Master does. It might make me grumpy at Him or make me just want to get a bit short with Him. It happens. He knows what's happening and why because He knows about the things i don't like, so either we talk about it and diffuse it or He can help me realise that what He did made Him happy (which instantly makes me not grumpy about it), help me to understand how it was best for me, or for us.

Having our roles so clearly outlined seems to help us a lot, too. There's no arguing that i'm not aware of what He expects from me, because either it's set out in my rules or was already discussed when i started serving Him. There's no power struggle when the power structure within the relationship is so firmly in place. Not only that, but Him being in charge works so well for both of us. i'm not trying to say that Male Dom relationships work for everybody, heck, formal D/s relationships wouldn't work for everybody and equality within a relationship is great if it's what both parties are comfortable with. It's not that He has the final say, it's that both of us want Him to have the final say and are happier when that is in His hands.

So, i guess because we have all the power over the small stuff, it never builds up into big stuff that could cause a fight. We might disagree, we might do things that drives the other crazy, we might get upset and need some comfort from the other, but we haven't ever had a fight. We always want to fix whatever's happened and transparency combined with our power exchange dynamic really help us to work through anything we might come up against. i don't doubt that we could work through pretty much anything.

And it's so wonderful to be able to say that.

Give and Take

2011-08-29T16:54:00.001+10:00

Our relationship is based upon a power exchange dynamic, but still it's pretty uncommon for Master to put His foot down and to be the sole decision maker in any given situation, or to tell me to do something that i don't necessarily want to do.

This weekend, exactly that happened several times. And i don't think either of us could have predicted the effect.

When i'm on my period i don't feel very sexy, and try to avoid intercourse as much as possible, mostly because i'm worried that He'll get squicked out and won't enjoy the sex, or that i'll put Him off. It doesn't really bother me in a physical sense, i don't find my body tabboo, i'm just neurotic about His enjoyment (but hey, who didn't know that already, right?).
On Saturday, i'd been putting sex off again and He made it clear that He was going to have me, whether i wanted it or not. Having Him take me like that served as an override function on my worrying about Him getting turned off, which allowed me to get turned on and to actually really enjoy the sex. It was fantastic.

Later, we were watching TV when He suggested a heavy play session. i was tired and not really feeling up to it, but again He decided that it was what He wanted so it was what we would do. He told me what He wanted, that it wasn't a punishment but that He was going to hurt me because He wanted to and because it would make Him happy. He managed to put me into the right headspace for what He was wanting to do, somehow, which kept me perfectly still and silent through a hard spanking and an intense, long and slow round with several different canes.

This is practically unheard of- our headspaces and my pain tolerance always seem to clash but they were perfectly in sync that night and i don't think it's a coincidence. The Sadist came out and He used the fiberglass cane on me for only the second time in our relationship (it was traditionally designated as the punishment cane as it is so incredibly painful but He's now decided that He wants to bring it back into our regular play since punishment isn't something we do anymore).

When i came back around, i had an extremely welted bottom and Master had a few splotches of my blood on His palm from where He'd broken my skin. But all i could feel in that moment was blissfully happy. He had taken what He needed from me without concerning Himself with what i had thought i wanted. i would have hated to be responsible for Master missing out on something He wanted or needed. Even worse, i would hate it if Master felt bad about wanting something because it wasn't easy for me to give Him. By just taking it from me, He let me revel in the pure joy for me that is pleasing Him.

i tend to get too caught up in what i do and don't want and forget that the only thing i need is to serve Master and make Him happy. No matter how much i might hate how i get to that end step, how i feel when i've been able to please Master is always worth anything that i have had to do. That's why i thrive on direct orders. The bliss and contentment coming out of the session on Saturday is still buzzing around in my mind. i feel so grounded, so owned, so loved, and even bigger for me, i feel happy with myself. i feel like i've finally been able to meet my own expectations of what my slavery should look like.

Seeing Him so sure in what He wanted and confident in His ability to get it, seeing how His knowledge of me enabled Him to take exactly what He wanted without doing me harm, knowing that He was taking complete control and feeling my own trust in Him grow from being able to say "if You say so Master" and know that i would still be safe were really magical things. i'm so very thankful for being able to experience that.

Thank You, Master.

No

2011-08-24T23:50:00.002+10:00

it's obscenely late here and i'm probably going to be in trouble for staying up but i was thinking.
Why, after so long, do i still cling on to my 'no'?
When Master tells me to do something, i do it, but i also almost always say 'no'. Often the 'no' comes about a milisecond after i've started doing whatever He's told me to do. i don't stop obeying after the 'no', i always do as i'm told, but still i can't seem to stop myself from at least pretending to be a little bit defiant.
It's automatic. i don't think 'no', i just say it. It slips out. It's only something that i've done with Master, too.. i never did it with my Mentor. Master doesn't mind, actually i'm pretty sure it causes Him quite a bit of amusement most times because He enjoys reminding me that i'm trained to obey Him, regardless of whether i want to or not.
That still leaves me with the question of 'why?'. If i'm going to do it anyway, and if actually saying 'no' and meaning it is something that would upset me quite a bit, why do i pretend?
It might be a coping mechanism, a way of preserving my ego. So that by saying it, i get to feel like i have a choice, even though in reality that's not necessarily the case. Maybe i haven't accepted myself as a slave completely yet and still want to define myself by the things i control.
Maybe i like feeling beaten, overpowered, bested; maybe saying 'no' is an invitation for me to be overruled or failing that, just a chance to see that i'm doing something He's told me to do just because He said so. i like feeling controlled so it's possible the 'no' came from wanting to be reminded of that control He has over me.
Or maybe i'm afraid of being seen as a doormat, like if i just accept everything without question i'm more likely to bore Master or, worst case scenario, get exploited and hurt again.
i'm not really certain of why i do it, but i can't help but feel like i would learn something by breaking the habit and becoming more verbally receptive. It's not my decision to make in the end and if Master decides He likes it i'll have to accept that, but i might just see about breaking the cycle of the useless 'no'.

Flogging

2011-08-23T13:43:00.002+10:00

When it comes to Master-inflicted pain, there generally isn't much that i don't like. Either i enjoy the sensation, or i enjoy how much Master loves hurting me and feed on His energy and pleasure. Most of the time, it's difficult for me to tell where the one ends and other begins.
Being flogged on my upper back/shoulder blade region does not fall into either of those categories. i hate it. It just hurts; from the sudden, powerful thud as it lands on my skin that knocks the breath from me with startling precision each time, to the interconnected, overlapping tendrils whose wake starts off so innocently before progressing into raised lines of fire painted on my skin.
It is most likely the way that initial, hard strike to my back takes away my breath that starts it all off, but as the falls continue to land i can feel a quiet panic build up inside me and soon i often feel as if i will cry. i don't like the way a heavy flogger feels as though it is pushing me, moving me, and find it quite frightening whenever i feel my body titter forwards in response to the sheer force of the impact.
It's intersting to me that the toy would produce such a different effect in me to the cane. i love the cane, we use them frequently and i can take a fairly decent beating without much of an issue. The flogger might not hurt as much as the cane as the impact is less localised, but there's something about being struck so high up my body that doesn't seem to mesh with me.
Flogging isn't something Master and i do very often because it's noisy and takes up space, noise and space being two main considerations for our play. If i really hate it so much, why do i sometimes ask Master for it? Why am i craving a heavy flogging and some tearshed? i can't get the thought out of my mind.
i hate the way my brain works sometimes.

Choosing Sides

2011-08-22T10:49:00.002+10:00

For me, our relationship is a lot about self control. Because we don't have punishments or anything similar for misbehaviour, directions from Master are usually to the tune of: 'He would prefer it if i did/didn't do _', or 'it will make Him happy if i do/don't do _', or 'Master knows what's best for me, so it's in my best interests to do as He says'. It keeps me responsible for my actions, doesn't make Master be the bad guy for punishing me (which was always something that upset both of us a gre deal), and means that He doesn't have to waste His time chasing me up to make sure i've done what He's told me to do to the letter.
All of these things are great for us. Most of the time, it's what works. But lately, i can't help feeling like the two halves of myself i'm meant to be in control of are at war and it's pretty frustrating to be stuck in the middle.
The slave- my slave self- always wants to be useful to Master. To help Him with anything, make His life easier or more pleasant. To serve Him, and as long as Master is pleased the slave is content.
The submissive me craves to be controlled. To be told exactly what to do, how and when to do it, and to have clear boundaries about what not to do. To feel His power over me in both a physical and mental sense.
They meet- and fight it out- where tasks are concerned. Things i have to remember to do. Part of me is really thankful for having something to do just because He says so, because it reminds me of His control over me. But part of me feels really guilty that He's had to think up something for me to do just so i can feel His control. It starts to feel fake, like He's only done it for me, then the slave wonders what's the point if it doesn't actually affect Master?
The slave has usually won the little battles fairly easily. It just works: both Master and i have been so happy lately and it's mostly thanks to the slave coming out and staying there. i'm not saying i'm not happy now because i am- it's just a little thing that's bugging me.
i've been disobedient. A couple of times now. i've had no real reason to be and i only have myself to blame for it. i just feel stuck wanting to feel His control but feeling guilty when i do.
The overthinking and disobedience has to stop. One side has to win. i just wish they'd hurry up already.

Talking

2011-08-14T10:40:00.002+10:00

The first time i ever slept overnight with Master, we lay in bed and stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning. Talking. i don't remember exactly what we talked about. Everything, or nothing. Probably both.
We've been together for almost 3 years now and although we don't stay up every night we spend together, sometimes it happens that we find ourselves just talking for hours at a time. It's never pre arranged and we never have anything especially to talk about beforehand, we just start on one thing and go from there. Sometimes it's sex, or our relationship, or our pasts, our future, family, television, books, anything that comes up. And the conversation keeps moving on until either i've fallen asleep or we decide to get up and do something else.
It's really important to me that even after all this time, we still can talk to each other like that and i'm still completely fascinated by whatever He has to say, no matter the topic. i love seeing inside His head a little better or learning about His life before me.
And most of all, i love seeing what He's brought out in me. i've just come to realise it lately but i can talk to Him about absolutely anything now. And i do.
i've never talked to somebody like that before, not worrying about what He might think of me and not wanting to hide from what i'm saying either. Recently, it's not even been limited to our late night chats.
A few days ago i was upset with Master and i could tell Him why without trying to get out of it or ignore it. After we fixed it, which took about a minute because we'd caught it while it was still a tiny thing, i was able to move on straightaway.
i used to clam up and then have trouble moving on afterwards- they were both really difficult things for me to work on and i'm pretty amazed to be honest about how it's suddenly come together for me.
Transparency might have been a really difficult thing to get into the habit of at the start, but i'm so glad we persevered. Our relationship is so strong right now and i know that communication- real communication- is both the reason behind and a really nice result of that.

Everything Butt

2011-08-11T10:28:00.002+10:00

Pretty long, graphic anal sex post following (well 2 posts in one), won't blame you if it's not for you. This is more for my sake.

From the slave journal, June 6, 2009:

The spanks grew harder, more spaced out on my body. My whole legs were burning now, from my calves up my thighs, between them, and over my backside. The dull smack feeling like it came from somewhere deep inside my skin as He hit me again and again. There was no pain. There can be no pain in pleasure this intense.

i was floating somewhere above us, looking down. Watching Him spank me, watching the red blooming across my skin in the wake of His hands. seeing my own face and reading the arousal on it. i could hear my orgasm getting closer with each sound i made, even though i was only faintly aware of it.

Can't divert attention from His hand- can't leave this moment. Can't waste a second of this sensation.

He paused as i shuddered, telling Him to stop, panting, letting the climax overwhelm me, and hoping He would know to start again soon. The pain was intense now, taking me over as the pleasure rolled away, but it came back as soon as the pain took a hold and fought for control of me. It snuck back, jumping ahead as His nails dug into my sore red skin. The belt was pulled free, looped in His hand.

i didn't have to look to see it coming. i heard the tinkling sound of the buckle, heard His voice ask if i was ready for more. what a question.

the belt struck the old welts, hurting, snapping me back, but something else pulled me into subspace. something else reminded me how good it felt beside the welts, on the skin only marked by His hands. that same something kept me still even when it hurt more than i previously thought i could withstand. made me realise that the wetness between my legs was increasing outside my consciousness.

The snap snap snap made a rhythm in my head. Always changing, always a slightly different sound. They were much harder now, well past previous limits, and grazing on the line that makes me cower and break position even though i know the consequences.

the line jumped closer. i felt my body tensing up, the pain taking a hold after another climax melted away. my mind left Him for just a moment--

He stopped. Stroked me, told me that that was enough. He'd read me before the safeword had found my lips again. i lay there, shivering, wondering just how deeply He gets into my head. if it was His thoughts i'd been thinking or mine.

* * *

A finger slipped inside me, then another. Massaged me, thumbed my clit. i couldn't hold back the moan as His erection slid into me, couldn't hold still as the speed of His thrusts increased. couldn't help but cry out in ecstasy as the fingers returned to press against my asshole, as one, and then another, entered me as well. i felt my spasm against His cock, felt my back arch to will Him deeper.

He pulled out, the tip of His cock pressed against my asshole now.. pressing hard but not painfully.. His fingers working in and out before something larger slipped inside. i cried out more in surprise and arousal than pain. Pulled away.

He corrected my position, rolling my hips back to Him. Soothed me with His voice, i could hear the smile in it as He felt how aroused i was. Again, He pressed the tip of His erection against my tight hole, and again i cried out to feel Him enter me.

More of Him slid inside me, my mind racing.. 'isn't this supposed to hurt? why did it hurt so much last time?'.. His hands gripped my hips and He pulled me back into Him, hard. Started thrusting into my ass, the sound of His hips smacking against my sore red skin overwhelming me. But something else took me completely.

Pleasure.

A climax so intense that my vision blurred. A completely different type of climax than those i had experienced before. i saw stars. i was so aware of trying to keep quiet but completely unable to. all of me throbbed, tingled, shivered, sighed.

He took the last piece of me yesterday. i gave Him my last virginity.

i never thought i'd be able to. i suppose then, that He gave me more faith in myself. and that's something i need the most right now.

Back to the present:

i gave us a lot to live up to, with that first time. i gave myself a lot to live up to. i guess it doesn't come as much surprise then that we haven't had successful penetrative anal sex since that day over 2 years ago. A few things happened in sessions after that (where i stupidly jumped and hurt myself or where we got our wires crossed through not communicating properly) which meant that my butt was pretty much off limits. My body had learned to go into that self protect mode and even when i didn't want to, i found myself tense up.

It most likely became a mental as well as physical thing after that. And i hated it. i resented myself quite a lot for not being able to give Master what He wanted whenever He wanted it, because well, you probably know by now that that's important to me. We did try though. We kept trying. Not just sex, but just about everything else to get me to relax. After a year or so of no result whatsoever, we just stopped trying.

Master lost interest.

i guess i became resigned to the fact that it wasn't something that wasn't in my control, and that it didn't make me a bad submissive. It was easier to not beat myself up about it because He was okay with going without anal. But it was still a bit of a regret for me, and i'd think about it sometimes.

So i started trying some toys- and while i managed to get past the body shutdown thing when i was by myself about half the time, it still wasn't going to happen when we were together. i became okay with mostly outside stimulation, so the teeny tiny vibrator probe i reviewed in June wasn't too much for me. i could use the bigger non vibrator toys, but it seemed more like a body feat - like stretching and discovering you can bend and touch your toes- not anything pleasurable but more like 'hey! look what my body can do!'. This lack of pleasure is most likely because i was having to use toys alone, and i get so much of my mental pleasure and arousal from Master.

Last week i bought the silicone plug i'd been curious about for months. It has a fat little head, tiny skinny neck and ring pull handle. i first tried it out two nights ago. No eye rolling orgasms, but no pain either. i can walk, kneel, move, sit, do just about anything with it in as it's soft and pliable. The first test was only for about half an hour, but then i tried it again last night. Last night i wore it for around 3 hours all up, and everything about getting it in and getting it out was easier. It stays where you put it, which is so, so comforting for me.
Time will tell, but the little guy has given me so much hope.

It's not about having anal sex because every other kinky couple does it. It's not about wondering what's wrong with me because my body doesn't react the way somebody else's does. It's not about doing it because it's a submissive thing to do. My body might just not be able to have anal sex anymore and i'm fine with that now.

Know why?

Because at least now, Master can send me shopping with a plug in if He wants to, like He threatened all those years ago. He can use it to degrade me, dress me up, or to heighten His own pleasure when we're having sex. He can make me put it in to get me all distracted and submissive-minded. Or He can choose to put the plug in the drawer and never speak of it again.

i can finally give Him that power back, that choice, and that means i don't have it any more.
And that's just about the most amazing, freeing feeling i've had in a long time. It's the best i could possibly have hoped for.

Her

2011-08-09T12:48:00.002+10:00

I see her and I know immediately that she's one of those girls.
Her clothing is spotless and freshly pressed. Her make up is immaculate, allowing her skin of finest porcelain to gleam through. Her crimson tinged lips remind me of eating cherries in the summer and staining my fingers with the juice. Full, dark lashes frame sparkling eyes. I search desperately for a mascara clump or eyeliner smudge but know there's none to be found. There never is.
Her hair is pulled back, with only one perfectly silky, manicured curl daring to escape the bonds to caress her cheek. I can soon tell that this, like so much about her, has been perfectly engineered and strategically placed to seem natural. Curls don't form like that. They're manufactured.
In that moment, I want to slap her perfect cheek and watch a real blush develop in it's wake. I wonder briefly about what she'd sound like as I did so.
I want to rip the clothing from her body, tear and shear through fabric until it litters the floor around her naked feet like fallen leaves. I want to drag my nails across her pale flesh and streak it with crimson. I want to pinch her nipples and torture her beautiful breasts with my hands. I want to bite her.
I want to restrain her with the scraps of stockings I'd pulled from her body. I want to look down into her face as my fingers fuck her throat. I want to tease her cunt with her saliva on my fingers until she's begging for more.
Then I want to fuck her with my tongue and fingers until she's gasping, panting, whimpering, begging me to stop.
Until her body is just a twitching mass beneath my touch. Until she's laying in a pool of herself. Until she can't cum any more. Until her voice is husky, ragged.
I wonder for a moment what her make up would look like then, tear stained and smudged across her face. I wonder if I would like to slap her cheek again.

Her lips are moving, and she's smiling up at me. I can tell she's seen inside my head by the look on my face. She's seen it, and it thrills her.
'No', I say.
'Just the coffee.'

People

2011-08-08T16:04:00.003+10:00

Last night was the first time that i cooked a meal for Master's parents. And it was a complete disaster.

Ok, maybe i exaggerated a little because nobody's got food poisoning and the house is still intact, but for me, somebody who both loves food and cooking and has done so many times before, it couldn't have gone much worse. The food wasn't difficult and it's something i've prepared a LOT. It just didn't work.

But before i even realised that i'd screwed up the food (because in case you haven't gathered already, that was by no means good for my anxiety levels), i was a nervous wreck at the prospect of even cooking for His family. i can't even describe it. It was horrible. i wanted to run away or throw it all out and just order takeout.
i've cooked for other people quite a lot, and never been nervous at all. i've also never had the food not turn out like it should as much as it did.

Maybe it's because i was so nervous that i didn't pay enough attention to cooking. Whatever the reason, it's not something i'm in a hurry to repeat.

Thinking about the whole experience has made me realise something, though. It's why i'm so terrified of Master's friends not liking me, too.

those people's opinions matter to me because those people matter to Master.

So i don't want His mum thinking that i won't be able to look after Him as well as she did.
Or His bestie to wonder what on earth He could see in me.
Or His friends to think that i'm not smart enough for Him to get anything from apart from sex.
i've never thought or cared about what other people thought of me. Master yes, but nobody else's opinion really affected me.

For the first time, i'm realising that as much as i'd like to focus on Master and whether He's happy with me or not to be the only thing that matters, it's really difficult for me to see it that way. i can't imagine how awful i'd feel if He ended up having to choose between me and the other people in His life.

So even tiny little things like a slightly not right dinner are enough to remind me that this is something in myself i'm fighting. It's not about the other people; Master hasn't ever had to make that choice and it's highly unlikely that He ever will. It's about understanding that i get into these situations because i'm trying to live up to my own standards, not the other people's and, at this point, not necessarily Master's either. So i'm going to either have to stop being so hard on myself or He's going to have to get tougher on me.

and now, being His slave just got a whole lot more difficult.

Amazing Swirls

2011-08-04T15:53:00.002+10:00

So it's sex toy review time again thanks to EdenFantasys, and this month's toy was such a pleasure in more ways than one. The Amazing Swirls is a pyrex glass, double ended, multi coloured, rib textured dildo (try saying all that ten times fast!!). Priced at USD$24.99, it's such a great introduction to glass without the hefty price tag that normally comes along with toys like it.

Packaging- Sparse but fitting.

i've never bought or really even thoroughly considered buying dildos before, much less a glass dildo. If i think sex toy, i usually think about something buzzy and a little bit cheap or mass produced (though things are changing, thankfully, with pleasure objects starting to have a much needed injection of taste and quality. i think it might have a little bit to do with how women are becoming more involved in their pleasure, both in the adult toy industry and in their own bedrooms, but that's neither here nor there). This was a first for me- not merely being my first glass toy but my first dildo as well.

Okay, some specifics, for those who are so inclined. The only packaging this toy came in (aside from the box and padding helpfully provided by EdenFantasys), was a red velvet drawstring bag. When i first saw it presented in this way, i was a little disappointed. Surely a toy like this needs some proper packaging? What about storage? The manufacturer surely can't expect a flimsy velvet bag to keep the toy clean and safe in our toy drawers, can they?

It was only when i opened the bag and tipped the dildo out into my hand that it all became clear. This toy is breathtakingly beautiful. So much so that i actually ended up taking a whole heap of photos of it. The toy doesn't want to be hidden away in some dank drawer with the lube bottles and condoms. It looks amazing in the sunlight and i would be super happy to have it on my windowsill or even in a vase as an artwork. So to me, the lack of packaging isn't a drawback at all.

Work of Art!

That moves us onto the toy itself. Pyrex is an amazing material. You could heat the toy up or cool it down prior to use, you could sterilise it in boiling water or put it through the top shelf of your dishwasher after you're done. You can use whatever type of lube you like. You don't have to use condoms as the toy is able to be sterilised and therefore can be used by different people if it's cleaned thoroughly between uses.

If it breaks (which is unlikely as pyrex is much less brittle than glass), it won't break into tiny dangerous shards. You can travel with it without attracting any unwanted attention to your luggage. You can use either end of the just over 8" for penetration, with the thinner 1" diameter end being more heavily ridged and the 1.5" diameter bulb providing an amazing 'full' feeling. You can use the bulb end to help wit kegel exercises.

You can use it for G-spot penetration, you can roll the whole toy over different body parts for an interesting massage (combine this with the heated or chilled option and that's a whole heap of fun waiting for you right there). Glass has no 'give' to it so it feels a little bigger than a silicone toy of the same size. It also has a noticable weight, and the texture is quite intense. All 3 of those things i found really nice but they might have been the off-putting points for some people.

Being that, depending on which end you're using, only around 6.5" is inserted at one time, you're able to hold onto the toy pretty well, and using it on yourself is not an issue. Holding onto it is even less of an issue when you've got a Master who likes controlling your pleasure quite a bit (like i do!). He enjoyed fucking me with the toy and it felt really amazing for me. i loved the way the glass was slightly cool to feel inside me at first, but soon warmed up with my body heat. Even though it's ridged, the glass is smooth and silky to the touch- the ridges are smoothly joined to the shaft; not pointy at all, and they provide an amazing texture that seems to make the pleasure build up quite fast. Using the toy for external clitoral stimulation is really nice, too.

Anything that makes rainbows on your bed can't be a bad toy.

i could go on and on, but instead i'll just finish with this: i simply adore this toy. i'm sure our glass collection will only expand in the future, if i have any input in the matter. You can have a peek at the other glass dildos on offer from EF and maybe add some to your wishlist like i have! There's even glass butt plugs!

An Offering

2011-08-01T19:06:00.001+10:00

"You know, you could cane my feet if you wanted to".
It slipped out during a fairly recent conversation with Master. It wasn't until a few seconds later that i actually realised the implications of what i'd just said.

It was the one activity that i couldn't seperate from the abuse of my past, every time i thought about it or saw it happening to somebody, some unpleasant aspect of the former relationship would spring up. Usually, that one memory would be followed by a flood of memories, and for quite some time afterwards i'd feel shaken, anxious, unsure of who i was, who Master was, what His intentions were with me. Was i really as safe as i thought i was? Would Master hurt me like i'd been hurt last time? Had i done something wrong to warrant a punishment like that?
It upset my absolute faith in our relationship. In myself but most of all in Master. It would go away again of course, eventually. Sometimes months would go by before i'd encounter another bastinado reference only to spiral out in the exact same way again.

It went on my hard limits list and when Master found out why it was there from the start, He never pushed it. Even after i gave my limits up to Him, it wasn't something He ever considered doing. He knew how risky it would be to me and to our relationship. i don't know if He ever wanted to but it's possible He ignored that desire for my sake.

Master loves His canes. They're His favourite toy and by far the thing we use the most when we play. This fact might have something to do with why i was able to offer myself for the new activity, but i think it was mainly down to trust. We're at a really strong point in our relationship, and our dynamic is to a point where my trust in Him is being shown (tested?) quite often. Each time, He's there for me, He keeps me safe and cares for me, which only builds up my trust in Him more. i'm no longer scared of what might happen. i know that whatever happens, He'll be there to make it okay.

As much as Master has come into His own, i've grown a lot too. i'm not who i used to be- and i'm starting to love myself more and more every day. i've come a long way over the past few years, but really noticed it lately.

It something i never thought i'd be able to say. It's something i didn't think i could ever offer. This might have been unexpected but i don't regret it and i wouldn't take it back for the world. As soon as it slipped out, i watched a smile slowly light up His whole face.

"Maybe I will, pet".

Preferences

2011-07-28T21:02:00.002+10:00

Everybody has certain physical attributes that they prefer in people they're attracted to. What i find really interesting is how much those desired attributes differ between different people. Especially in the context of D/s relationships, because (and i'm being super general here) there's usually some part of the D/s agreement, whether implicit or explicit, that relates to appearance.

It happens in vanilla relationships, too. i read in a relationship manual once that a certain woman disliked her husband's favourite shirt, so she decided to only tell him that he looked good when he was wearing shirts that she approved of. After some time, the husband decided he no longer liked and got rid of his old favourite shirt and bought more like the ones his wife liked without even realising that it was what she wanted him to do. Whether we realise it or not, our relationships have a lot of influence over us, and appearance is only one of the areas in which it has an impact.

In D/s relationships though, it's so much easier to discern where the preferences lie. Some submissives can't wear underwear without permission. Others aren't allowed to wear makeup, or flat shoes, or jeans, or any number of other items of clothing. Some Doms have preferences about hair colour or length, and i haven't even touched on the body hair or weight debates yet. There's a lot of difference in taste between Dom/mes, and so there's a lot of submissives and slaves out there with rules concerning appearance. There are still more where, somewhat like the husband in my earlier anecdote, don't have 'rules' concerning appearance, but know that if they wear a certain thing or look a certain way, their partner is more likely to be excited or pleased with them.

and i'm sure it goes both ways, too. i'm sure that wanting to look nice for your significant other is a pretty universal thing, vanilla, kinky, D or s, male or female. We just have different ways of formalising these expectations.

So that's all well and good. But where do we sit?
With Master and i, it's all about the natural look.

As in, the 'i still look like me, only a little better' look. It was a big change from the bright, multicoloured hair and goth makeup that i used to wear.

i wasn't allowed to significantly cut my hair for the first two years of our relationship. i also wasn't allowed to dye it anything other than as close as possible to my natural colour. After that, Master took back the 'not allowed' and left it mostly up to me, but i chose to keep things as they were. This year, i cut my hair a lot shorter, and have dyed it quite noticably. i had permission to do both beforehand, but i don't think Master was expecting to like either of those changes as much as He has. Things worked out really well, because it's easier for me to look after my hair, and Master likes the look of it now, too.

Makeup was somewhat of a battle.
i remember when Master told me that i wasn't allowed to wear heavy black eyeliner or red lipglosses anymore. i cried and cried! It was so hard for me to look at myself in the mirror without the heavy makeup on. i hated how i looked, i felt so naked and boring and not me. It took a few weeks of putting eyeliner on defiantly, then washing it off and crying at myself in the mirror before just making myself leave the house to meet Master before i started to accept my face without the black stuff.

And the whole time He was there, telling me how beautiful i looked without the makeup. i couldn't have done it if not for that. He scaled things back pretty gently- the eyeliner and red lipgloss was the first to go, but over time He's stopped me wearing lipstick, eyeshadow and heavy foundation too. i live in mineral makeup now, and shimmer. i read on fetlife a few days ago that a girl wasn't allowed to wear any shimmer or glitter and was horrified, shimmer is in everything! i love the healthy glow i can get by using translucent shimmer and light mineral foundation and blush.

If i ask Master if my makeup is okay and He says 'What makeup?', then i know i've done well enough.

i find it ironic that the natural look takes me a lot more maintenance time than i ever would have taken in the heavy makeup days. It's important to Him that i'm not overly fussy about how i look (so i can't take hours to get ready each time we go out), because He comes first, so i try to keep the beauty regime as streamlined as possible.

Because i can't cake on the foundation, i have to make sure my skin is looked after properly. i can't wear lipstick because He likes to be able to kiss me whenever He wants to and not have to worry about sticky stuff, so i use a long lasting colour lip stain if i really want the colour, and i use a lot of lipbalm and moisturiser to make sure all of my skin is soft. i have super sensitive skin so any product i use has to be as natural as possible or i come up in a rash. i feel all silly when we get out of a shared shower and i have to rush off to moisturise my body, but Master likes my soft skin so it's something i'm willing to do!

Master prefers my hair down instead of up, so that has to be in fairly good condition, too. i make sure i'm always wearing the scent Master likes, and that it's not too heavy to be irritating but present enough to be noticed in a nice way. i recently had my fingernails painted but it's not something Master really cares about one way or the other. Really, i just have to be reasonably neat and clean and a healthy glowy complexion doesn't hurt either. Master's pretty easy to please.

So, what're your appearance rules? Does anybody have any unspoken expectations when it comes to how you look? Have they changed over the course of your relationship?

Fear

2011-07-28T11:39:00.002+10:00

Fear has no place in my relationship with Master. i'm not afraid of Him, i cannot be afraid of Him for our relationship to continue to work.

Many people are afraid of the unknown, afraid of change, afraid of unpredictability. i am one of those people. Master is not, and could not, be any of those things to me if i were still going to be His slave. He is the very thing that makes me feel most relaxed, most safe and protected. He is the person i am most myself, i can just be me without being afraid of Him judging me.

i am not afraid of how He will react in a given situation because i know Him inside and out. i ask Him stupid questions all the time because i like knowing exactly what He thinks about things. i like knowing exactly what He would say to something, or using my knowledge to serve Him better. i had to know all about Him before i could give Him all of my trust and become His. The only reason i have no express limits from Him now is because i know without a shadow of a doubt that He would never make me do something unless it was in my best interests. Communication and trust are what makes our relationship possible. Not fear.

i'm not afraid that He will punish me for something one day and let me get away with it on other days, or that suddenly He will radically change what He wants from me. He is the one thing in my life that is always stable and that is very important.

Fear doesn't work in our play, either. For some people, being afraid is a fun thing to play around with. It's not for us. Sometimes He surprises me and i get a little bit of a rush when it comes on suddenly, but i am never genuinely afraid of Him because i know that the activity (say, being manhandled and slapped about) is just in play. i worship and adore Him- i want to obey, to please Him, to make Him happy with me. So when He tells me to do something, i do it because of those things, not because i am afraid of what will happen to me if i don't.

On the flip side, the last thing He wants is for me to be afraid of Him; He always makes sure i know i can talk to Him about anything without consequence and if something goes wrong during play that causes me to be scared or accidentally hurt in a not-fun way, i am always allowed to ask for us to stop. That's my limit, i suppose. A safety line that's there if i should need it. We do not play with real anger. If Master is angry with me, we talk about it. He doesn't hit me when He's actually angry- although i would offer if it would help Him, Master would never 'take out' His frustrations or stress by hurting me. The risks are just too great, both physically and psychologically. That is very important to us. Play is play and life is life and they stay apart from each other as much as possible.

When i am given pain, it is usually because either i have asked for it or because it is a reward. Very occasionally, Master wants to give me pain just because He feels like it. He makes it clear that this is what's happening, and that it's to make Him happy or to remind me that i am owned (which i find very comforting in itself). It's really important in those times to have Him talk to me. Just by the tone of His voice (even if i'm too subspacey to hear the exact words), i know that He's not angry with me when we play. i am never afraid when Master hits me, because i know that He loves me and cares about me above everything else in His world. i would not ever want to be afraid of the one person i love most of all.

Tickled Pink

2011-07-26T09:21:00.002+10:00

Pink is now my favourite colour. From looking at the blog, that probably doesn't come as any surprise to you. i know that sounds like a somewhat strange thing to write a slave journal about, but i actually think of pink as having quite a lot to do with my slavery.

Wait, what?

Okay, this one might take a little explaining. Once upon a time, i only wore black, and very occasionally, deep purple. Absolutely everything. At any opportunity, i would say how much i hated pink, how not me pink was, all the rest of it.

It wasn't until Master and i started our relationship that pink started appealing to me. i think i always liked pink, but i had it chalked up to being too female for me, and femininity was something that i equated with undesirable vulnerability. i didn't want people to look at me, i didn't want to stand out as being especially female. i've had proportionally large breasts from the time i was very young, so i think i tried to hide my femininity as much as possible in response to the bad attention i'd always received as a kid.

When Master came along, i found myself wanting to embrace my femininity for Him. i wanted to change what parts of me showed, i wanted to become the complement to His masculinity i knew i always was underneath, and of course i wanted to be attractive to Him. When He collared me, He started talking about how He liked to show me off, how He liked it when others noticed me and the way i was only paying attention to Him.

So one day, i decided i would stop hiding my sexuality and slowly embraced it. i stopped hiding under my clothes and started actually buying things that fit me and made me look good to Master, and that included for the first time ever some girly lingerie and dresses.

i started to love pink and want to be around it more. At the start, pink was about being a bit like a little girl and a bit like a bimbo- it wasn't 100% of me but those segmented parts of me. It slowly took me over and now i feel it reflects so much of who i am as a slave. Now, looking around my room, there's a sea of pink. i probably couldn't even list it all. For me now, pink is about my femininity, and my femininity wouldn't have really blossomed if it weren't for Master and my being His slave. i think i would have always stayed in hiding, and i think that would have been a terrible thing.

It is difficult for me sometimes to feel as beautiful as He says i am. But what matters to me is that He loves and appreciates me, pink and all.

He is my Sunshine

2011-07-24T18:03:00.001+10:00

i've experienced seasonal depression (SAD) to some degree every year since i was 15. If you're not familiar with it, in general it's a kind of depression that only seems to appear for affected people on certain times of the year. It can be treated by bright light therapy if it's really bad, but many people go untreated.

My symptoms are really mild in the scheme of things, but when there's more than 3 or so cloudy, cold or rainy days in a week during winter, i usually feel pretty rough. i have trouble with getting out of bed, trouble waking up, and then because i want to sleep in as long as possible in the morning i'm often unable to get to sleep at night, and i just generally feel pretty hopeless and worthless. Sometimes this overwhelms me and i can't finish things i've started because i just feel like i've not done anything worthwhile. i also have a lot of trouble with 'feeling like' play or sex; i don't feel desirable or lusty, it's like i'm switched off. It's pretty miserable.

Thankfully though, those symptoms vary a lot in intensity from day to day- they're not always bad; some days i'm fine, and on the days i'm not, the worst of it seems to flatten out after a week or so.

Master is amazing with me, but especially so when i'm feeling the winter blues. He helps to guide me through it like nobody else could. He knows from the weather if i'm likely to be feeling down on myself and He always makes sure to praise me and give me chances to do little things that make me feel good- like i've accomplished something.

He understands that i'm not upset with Him and that sometimes i'm just a little emotional or needy. He holds me without it having to always be about sex and He doesn't complain when it's been just a little bit too long between sessions. He reminds me to wear enough clothing so i don't get cold outside and doesn't let me skip meals when i don't feel like food. He shuts the curtains and lets us stay in to watch movies when it's raining out.

But He also pushes me when i need it. He's given me the task of working out every day to give my body the chemicals it needs to fight the gloom. He's put me on curfew so i can start to work out my sleep cycle. He reminds me of my place- loved and valued and cared for, but ultimately owned above all else. His possession. He doesn't let me forget that He can and will get what He needs from me, regardless of everything else going on in our lives.

He's that one constant, my rock, and i don't know what i'd do without Him.
i love You Master.

Stress

2011-07-22T17:34:00.002+10:00

i've been reading through some past entries lately, and it's really struck me that i have absolutely nothing new to write about. i guess it happens when you've been blogging for years. i want to write, i feel like blogging, but if i were to post right now i'd just be repeating things i've talked about before, maybe even a few times before.

i really don't want to just repeat myself because it will bore the socks off you poor readers, so i'm attempting to write about ideas i'll find in places other than what immediately jumps from my brain. Sorry folks, hopefully i get interesting sometime in the near future.

From subguide's journal prompt site: 'How do you handle stress?'

When i'm stressed out, i often crave pain. Pain in the form of a spanking or scene, or pain in the form of super rough sex: hair pulling, biting, scratching, being choked, having my face slapped. Any or all of it. i can't get enough.
The chemical high is amazing for my frame of mind and subspace can provide an escape for me which is extremely freeing. i stop thinking about whatever has me stressed and can just focus on Master and the sensations He's giving me.

When i'm depressed, upset, or feeling worthless, i crave being controlled.

i want to know exactly what to do. i want to be able to know for sure that at least i've pleased Master by doing one very specific thing right. if i'm given a general direction, it feels more like a challenge because i'd much rather do too much than too little- and if i don't know exactly what to do, i worry that i've never done enough. i can work myself up quite a lot if i get stuck in the loop here.

i'm thankful that i'm not a Dom because it'd be terrible to have to figure me out.

Restraint

2011-07-21T12:10:00.001+10:00

Sorry about the thought stream kind of prose in this post. i've gotten out of the habit of blogging and am writing this one quickly to 'get it out' so hopefully i can get back into writing.

i love that He's bigger than me. Stronger. Taller. i love how every part of Him is bigger- especially His hands. i love the feel of my hand in His because it reminds me of how easily He could overpower me physically.

Most of the time i don't resist Him at all
my body just melts into Him and ends up doing what He wants it to do automatically
He prefers it that way
but sometimes
Very rarely
We wrestle or i'm allowed to fight back a little bit
Just because i want to feel how completely hopeless it is for me to resist Him
if only for a second

i crave it, sometimes. i crave being picked up by Him, pushed down, held still, pinned against a wall, thrown across His lap, manoeuvred as if i were completely weightless and had no desire of my own. i crave His hand around my throat or in my hair.

But for me
The real control dynamic in our relationship
His real power
isn't physical at all

it's in my head

You can easily tell by the way whatever He says is real when i'm in subspace
my vanilla brain is out of the picture when i'm like that
floating off somewhere happy
so He has nothing to compete with
i have no grip on reality
i just cling to Him

He didn't have to tie me up a few weeks ago when i was being caned
He wanted me still but my legs were thrashing around
useless reflexes
basal responses to the pain He wanted to inflict
and it was getting in the way
So He told me that i was restrained and couldn't move
and it suddenly felt like i was held down
my body couldn't move then
wouldn't move
until He said so

it's hypnosis i suppose

He can push me around or i can try to push back all i want
but when it comes down to it
He tells me to do something and i do it
before i even think about it
i do it because He told me to
even when i don't want to
even when i say 'no, i won't'
even when i blog and whine about it
even when it doesn't suit me
those thoughts come later because my brain isn't always up in the clouds
but by then it's too late

that's the way it should be
that's what works for us

Apart

2011-07-15T21:51:00.002+10:00

We're apart right now. About 4 hours apart. This is day 2, and i'm not 100% sure when i'll see Master next but it won't be for another 4 days or so.
And i'm not coping.
i feel like i'm missing a vital body part.
And i feel useless without it.
And i know that it's because i've seen so much of Him lately, we've either been together 24/7 or no more than a night apart for weeks now. And it's been amazing, it's always so great to spend real time with Master. But it makes me spoiled. i get out of practise with things that i have to do when i'm by myself. i forget how to be alone.
i have a lot of trouble sleeping without Him near me. It's like i can't completely relax unless i can see Him or smell Him or hear Him breathing. So i go into this stupid paranoid super vigilant thing, and i can't do much when i'm like that. i didn't sleep the first night, and last night i had a panic attack and called Him in tears in the middle of the night because i just wanted to hear His voice.
And it's so frustrating, because i know i've done better than this before. i've been working so hard on myself to make progress with being at a functional level of dependence; one that suits both of us. It feels like a slap in the face, and not even remotely the fun kind. i hate stepping backwards when i feel like i'd made some progress.
i will get used to it again. It just really sucks right now, especially because adjusting to not being with Master is not something i ever want to need.

Progress

2011-07-13T09:45:00.002+10:00

a while ago, i wrote a post about how i was having a lot of trouble giving Master the freedom to fuck my mouth whenever He wants because my body can't handle even the tiniest taste of pee. And it's a complete moment killer to rush off to the bathroom to be sick everytime things aren't 100% fresh.
i'm currently blogging from Master's bed... Yeah, i'm living the dream, but that means i can't link you to the main post that i'm updating you on. It's called 'Aversion' so if you dig around in the archive a month or a few back, i'm sure you'll find it.
Anyway, you can't say i never keep you guys updated. Last night i had a little bit of a breakthrough in realising that anything with a strong flavour completely blocks out any bad taste, and enables me to go down on Him to my heart's content, even when there's pee involved. Mouthwash, mints... the solutions are seemingly endless as long as i'm somewhat prepared and a little proactive in my deployment of them. Master said the cooling menthol sensation was great, too, so it was a win on all fronts. It's not a long term solution, and it takes a bit of spontanaeity away, but at least it's a step in the right direction.
Over time i'm hoping to desensitise myself enough to know that there'll be no icky mishaps whenever He wants pleasure from me. Unconditional pleasure whenever He happens to want it is something i really, really want to give, and it's taken me years but now the barriers that were stopping me doing that are coming down.
Incase you're not a longterm reader, some of the other things i've had to work on like this have been so far: being naked in front of people and Master, being more vocal during sex, having sex in public, masturbating for an audience, talking about fantasies, hurting myself for an audience.. i'm sure there's more but i can't think of them right now.
but seeing that list feels amazing, because they felt so huge at the time. i wasn't sure we'd ever get past them, but here we are. There's still more work to be done, though. The quest toward better slavehood just might be neverending. And that's OK with me.

Just the Three of Us

2011-07-07T12:02:00.002+10:00

Thankfully, since i complained so much last week about not being able to have sex, several opportunities presented themselves and we even got to try out our new toy from the sex toys review program at Edenfantasys.

Master wanted to pick the toy Himself this month, and He was curious about cockrings because neither of us had tried them before. We started looking at all the different vibrating cock rings that Eden has to offer. And there are a lot! Finally, we narrowed it down to the Lovers Triad, another Cal Exotics toy.

We had to wait a little while after it arrived to try it out because of the privacy issues we've had lately, but the wait was totally worth it.

First appearances do count, and unfortunately this toy is let down in that area. The packaging is a plain cardboard box, which looks pretty cheap and doesn't help with storage of the soft jelly ring between uses. It's a good idea to have somewhere to store the toy because they can get damaged by being knocked around, and it's a good idea for hygiene purposes too.

When you finally unpack the toy, it's a little intimidating at first just due to its sheer size. This is big for a cock ring, a lot bigger than we expected. The jelly is soft and super stretchy though to accommodate all sizes, and also doesn't have any of the nasty odor that can sometimes be a little off putting on new toys. The bullet is attached to its powerpack via a cord, but the fact that it's not wireless didn't cause any troubles for us when it came to using the toy during sex.

It did cause a few giggles though when we were putting it on and getting set up, so if you're one of those people who have to be 100% serious while having sex then maybe cock rings aren't for you.

The bullet is just amazingly good quality for a toy priced at under $25. The vibrations are really deep and powerful, and are controlled by a wheel on the battery pack instead of a push button which enables such a variation in intensity. When Master was wearing the ring, He said the vibrations were strong enough just to feel it in a nice sorta way.

During sex, the toy felt amazing for me. It was really great to be able to control the build up of vibrations myself, or to turn them off completely, but also to give the powerpack to Master and let Him decide how intense it was going to be. i don't always cum during sex unless the orgasms are forced, so it was amazing to cum over and over again with the ring.

The bullet is removable, so you can use the ring to help with erections, to provide clitoral stimulation with the ridged nubs on the front of the ring, on a dildo or more traditional vibrator by yourself, to provide stimulation to both partners with the bullet in place, or to even have the ring on backwards and use the vibe and nubs to stimulate the man's scrotum. During missionary sex, i couldn't hear the bullet at all, even when it was on its highest setting. If you're going to use it by itself, it can be a little noisy but believe me, you'll be louder!

It's great that toys like this can bring so much pleasure for everybody involved. i find it sad when women don't ever cum from sex, or when they feel like they have to fake orgasms to keep their partner happy. There are always ways to have better sex, and i feel that things like this may be one of them. While it's not an everyday toy, this little lover is sure to be a welcome third party with us for quite a while.

Two Letters

2011-07-06T17:40:00.001+10:00

Two emails sent and received today, posted with permission.

~ ~ ~

From: rose

So, i’ve been reading a lot today, because i had so many blogs to catch up on since we've been away.
And it’s kinda made me think about how different i am to everybody else who blogs about kinky stuff.

Who am i? What am i?

i like being submissive to you.
i like having rules
even if they’re about stupid stuff
and i like being controlled
and told what to do
and i like being hurt by you
when you feel like it
just because you feel like it
and i like asking you for permission to do things
and i like it when you provide for me
or improve me
or help me to see where i’m wrong.
which are all submissive things.

but i don’t really like those submissive things.
i don’t like liking them to be more correct i suppose,
because they don’t fit with you and us and how we are.
and they focus too much on me and i hate that.
i hate the way it sounds
all of it
like a demand
and it puts too much pressure onto you
they're guilty pleasures.

i could be a sadist.
except i can’t have anybody except you
and i don’t want to
and who’d want to be with a Top
who won’t have sex with you
and would only treat you like a kind of odd science experiment in pain thresholds?

i could never treat anybody apart from you decently.
so i don’t want that either.

all that i want, everything i want and my number 1 priority
is pleasing you.

that's it.

so i get all tangled up
and especially when you tell me that you want to do what i want
even just for a minute
it’s really hard to know what that is
because i don’t want what i want
i want what you want

You know?

-pet x

~ ~ ~

From: Master

I think it's very important for you to know that you do make me happy, pet. Always. No matter what you're doing, no matter where we are, just the thought, the knowledge that you're in this world, that you belong to me is enough to make me happier, no matter how bad I might otherwise be feeling.

You're a good girl. You're MY good girl, and it's important to both of us. I've never felt that you've asked too much of me, or been selfish, or demanded anything of me. Everything I give you, I give you willingly, gladly. Everything I give to you, I get back twice, three times, a thousand times over, from the pleasure and pride and satisfaction you bring me.

I know it's hard on you that I don't always know what I want, that sometimes I'm not clear, that sometimes I'm not strong, that sometimes all I want to be doing is pleasing you, rather than myself. But you give me the chance to do that, and you give me understanding and patience for doing those things- and that pleases me more than I can say.

As for who you are, what you are...it's harder for me to answer. I can't put a lable on you, partly because I don't know one that fits, or that covers all of you, and partly because I don't want to. You don't need labelling. You're mine. My pet. My slave. My love. My rose. You're the one. The one for me. The one who makes me happy. The one who makes me proud. The one who brings me peace and contentment I never dreamt of having. The one I want to spend my whole life with. The one I couldn't live without. My lover. My slave. My sub. My bottom. My pet. My partner. My companion. My future. My everything. But most of all, you- all of you- are the girl I love.

If you feel lost, or unsatisfied, or like you're not getting what you need, or don't know what your place is, those are problems. But they're ones we can work on and fix. But it's important you remember all the things I've said, because they're all true.

I love you beyond words, pet, and I always will.

Master.

~ ~ ~

So there you have it. All i am, is His. Owned. Nothing else matters and nothing could be better. and that's a lot easier to get my head around, somehow.

Frustrated

2011-07-02T13:15:00.002+10:00

If having children is half as disruptive to a sex life as having parents is, then you can count me right out of the whole procreating idea at the moment.
We've been interrupted both times we've tried to have a little private time over the past 4 days, and completely deprived of any peace for the remainder of the time. It's not looking like we'll get any (pun sadly intended) for the next few days at least either.
It's so infuriatingly frustrating, having got almost all the way through foreplay while watching porn the first time a few days ago, and He'd JUST entered me when we were interrupted again this morning.
It's pretty funny actually; normally i complain about not feeling desirable or into sex when i'm on my period and Master just takes me anyway, which i end up enjoying a lot, but this week i've been horny as heck and getting so close to having sex only to have it snatched away again only seems to make me more... aware of being needy. Really needy.
The oozing with sex and hormones and not able to do anything about it kind of needy. Master keeps petting me and saying that we'll have our own place soon enough, but somehow that doesn't settle me at the moment!
Well, while i try to twist this into a life and slavery lesson because i'm sure one is in there somewhere, i hope everybody has a nice weekend.
- with love to you all from a very grumpy and twitchy slave, and a quietly amused Master

Thighs

2011-06-26T17:46:00.001+10:00

This morning, we were in bed together and Master was stroking my thigh. His hand was wandering and then he started tracing the seam of my underwear.

He sighed 'I love your thighs' while continuing to stroke me through my panties.
Contrary as i am, i pointed out that what He was holding at that exact moment wasn't exactly in the realm of thigh.

'Yeah, but this is fun too...'

Some moments just make me feel so completely owned and content and happy. So simple, but so powerful underneath it all.

Those moments when He touches me without necessarily needing it to be about my pleasure. Where He does it because He wants to, because He can.

Because i'm His.

It's Got to Stop

2011-06-23T11:59:00.001+10:00

Yep, i'm pissed at you, online BDSM community. AGAIN.

If it continues in this fashion, i think i'm going to break up with you permanently and just stop visiting sites that discuss BDSM.

And that's a huge shame.
Hell, i wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for a chatroom with real people in it. If i hadn't been reading blogs like this one about real people. The web provides so much opportunity to share ideas, to educate ourselves, new or not so new however we may be, about sex, kink, relationships, safety. To share our joy when things are going well and to seek advice when they're not. It's so important that we can share those ideas. It's so important that the kink curious or the newly stepping into the water don't learn things that could be harmful to themselves or other people.

So why are we STILL caught up in the complete idiocy that is the 'One True Way'? i'm completely sick of it.

'D' types-
If you want your 's' type to do x, y, and z on a daily basis then tell them. If you think that they should not do a, b, and c, then tell them. Make that agreement between the two of you once you're sure it's going to be good for everybody involved.
Then DON'T log into the internet proclaiming that you've discovered the world's best slave rules and routine.

Because you know what?

Your slave is different to me, she or he is different to the person sitting next to them on the bus and just about every other person in the population, they're different now to how they used to be and they're probably different to how they will be in a few years time. Your rules, your expectations, your routine is effective because it's YOURS. Because, and i would hope that it's fair to generalise here, those things were developed for BOTH OF YOU, by BOTH OF YOU.

's' types-
Don't believe everything you read, especially in the internet. Approach everything with an open mind. If you like the way slave jane has to ask Dom John to do x, think about WHY you like it. Would it work for you and improve the way your life works, or would it become a hassle for yourself and your Dom once the romance period wears off?

Then bring up the topic with your partner. Talk about why you like it, the specific details don't matter. Maybe you'd like a little more direction in your life, or you'd like to be doing more to please your Dom. Say so. Then be prepared to actually work with your Dominant in finding out something that accomplishes the same thing as slave jane's rule does, but in a way that fits you and your relationship.

Likewise with a contract. Some people like to set out aspects of their D/s, M/s or insert your dynamic here relationship in a contract. That's great, if you're that way inclined. If you like things to be set out like that or if you want it as an expression of how you feel towards one another. i'll tell you right now that if somebody really doesn't want to obey, to fuck you every night, or to stay with you, there's no piece of paper in the world that will make them but that's neither here nor there.

But copying a contract out of a book or downloading one off the internet and signing it is nothing short of idiocy. i won't repeat or capitalise that, because i think you secretly know, online BDSM community, how stupid it is.

This can end in stuff that is downright dangerous. i saw people discussing punishment in a chatroom a few days ago, and there was general agreement that punishment that extends beyond the sub's preset limits was fine because it would make them 'think twice' before repeating the infraction.

ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!

Then i actually sat there and thought about it, albeit bitterly. The people making those statements were, as far as i could tell, only active in their imaginations and online. These people did not have real life experience. i don't think there's anything wrong with that in itself- but proclaiming something like that to a chatroom full of who knows is completely negligent. What if a new player read that and then decided not to leave their relationship that follows that abusive pattern? Can you even imagine the type of harm that is capable of causing??

i try to make everything i say in this blog about us. i try to come across as 'hey, this works for me, i hope you find something similar' or 'damn, i'm really struggling with this, have you got past anything like this?' or 'wow, i can't believe what just happened!'. i try not to sound preachy or like i'm telling you what M/s should look like. Hell, i try not to sound like i'm telling you how ANY relationship should look. i try to celebrate all the ways that our relationship is uniquely us. if i have messed up somewhere there in the past, i really apologise because that's not my intention.

In this case, i am being intentionally directive. i'm saying that you should do what comes naturally to you. No more, no less. Understand that there is a difference between what sounds hot in your head or looks hot in porn, and what you and your partner are capable of doing safely.

because i know what it's like to feel forced into doing things that don't reflect me as a person or as a submissive, and nobody else should ever be in that place.

Writing about Writing

2011-06-22T17:17:00.002+10:00

i haven't written any erotica/smut/flash/whatever you want to call it in a while. Months, actually. Not even just for myself or Master. Usually i have a filthy thought about somebody else and scribble it down until i can actually pay attention to it, and then when i have time the somebody else kinda takes hold of my brain for a little while and their story, however small that story is, comes out. That used to happen a lot. My notebooks from classes are filled with select words and three word sentences containing an idea, an exchange, a moment in time for people who don't yet exist.

i didn't always play along with them, maybe, when they came and presented a little taste of what was to come i wasn't eager enough to jump on it, so maybe they've given up and gone to pester somebody else.

They're never anybody i know or have known, these somebodies.
They're certainly never me.
They leave me as soon as they're done- usually absolutely no more than 5000 words later they've taken off as soon as they arrived. That's why i can't write a novel.

i find it interesting, that i can't write with myself or Master as characters.
Even in my imagination, i can't take charge of us.

Usually, when He asks me to write Him some smutty fantasy based exchange between us, i revert to memory.

And i turn the volume up.

Maybe i recall something He's said before. And a somebody develops from that single sentence, jumps out at me and points me in a direction i hadn't thought of before. Or i think about something we've done and make it new again. New, but faintly familiar too.

But they're never us.
i revel in the struggles of my somebodies. i enjoy seeing her take that little first step towards submitting to his wild ideas, even though she's pretty scared and certain she'll look like an idiot. That innocent desire to please him takes hold. The curiosity overwhelms the humiliation.

it's rare that i have moments like that. i want to follow orders, i want to do what will please Him above all else. Most of the time that takes absolute precedence over what my own thoughts are, and i'm so tangled up in Him now that it's difficult to know what i'm actually thinking most of the time. Most of the time i'm pleading for more direction, more control, more chances to make Him proud, more more more. That line in the sand has been washed away by the incoming tide and now i'm not sure where it was to begin with.

but who wants to read about the girl who always obeys without so much as an unspoken hesitation? Better to give in to the whims of my somebodies.

Intuition

2011-06-18T10:54:00.001+10:00

Master and i have had the whole week to ourselves, and it's been amazing. Literally spending every moment with Him usually makes me think about myself and my slavery more than usual, and this week has been no different.

First thing i noticed-- an achievement. A small one, but quite big for me at the same time. i haven't stopped wanting to be touched at all. Usually after a few days of being with Master fulltime i get a little sensitive and feel like i need space or to not be touched so much. That's been with me for a long time now, and it wasn't something i was really conscious of until Master brought it up a year or two ago. i started trying to work on it after He brought it up, because He is a really tactile person and it's important for me to be ok with that- if we're together, we're either constantly touching or not going more than 5 minutes or so between touches. i managed to get used to it after a little while of being really conscious when i felt myself starting to draw back or get too sensitive. but i didn't want it, and i do now. i look foward to Him stroking me or kissing me or hurting me or moving me like i'm weightless. i like cuddling in bed all night and curling up at His feet in the evenings. It's like i've finally been able to undo something that was really a barrier to me serving Him properly, and i feel really great about that.

But it's not all great news.
This morning, Master was watching TV while i cleaned the kitchen. i thought it would be a nice idea to surprise Him with His breakfast. But then i second guessed myself about what He'd like and said to myself 'He won't want that, it'll be a waste'. So i didn't do anything and kept cleaning.
Five minutes later, Master walked into the kitchen and announced that He was going to have the exact same thing as what i had originally planned to get Him but dismissed incase He didn't.

Epic slave fail.

i'm disappointed that i've finally developed enough to know what Master wants, but i still don't trust my judgement enough to do anything for Him without actually being told to. It's so safe, being told what He wants, there's no risk that He'll reject me or tell me that i've got it wrong and disappointed or inconvenienced Him. Knowing Him like i do, that risk is so small, which makes it all the more annoying that it's still getting in my way.

To really step up to where i need to be, i need to be taking little risks at getting what He wants a little wrong sometimes. i need to know without any doubt that it's okay to have tried to please Him that little extra bit and have it not come out the way it should. i know i can be the great slave He deserves, i know i can get it right more often than not because i know Him so well and i know that even trying to do something extra to please Master will make Him happy. It's just a matter of making that leap of faith- not in Him for once, but in myself. Why is that harder, somehow?

What word or phrase do you use too often?

2011-06-17T19:24:00.002+10:00

Master says i say 'yes, Master' most often.
and 'no, Master' too often.

why do i get the impression that one 'no, Master' is too many?

-r.

Ask rose

Do you think one can balance more than one D/s relationship?

2011-06-17T19:21:00.002+10:00

i'm a little confused about this question. Does this mean being a sub to two Dom/mes, or being a sub to one person and a Dom/me to another person, or being both a sub and a Dom/me with the same person at different times?

i suppose, whichever way you look at it, anything is possible. The most important part is that everybody involved is being true to themselves. You can't live a role that isn't an extension of yourself, so trying to live two different roles won't work if that's not actually who you are.

But if everybody's in the role/s that they're comfortable in, it can work fantastically. Some feel like they don't fit into either the 'Dom' or 'sub' side of things all the time, and instead like to switch between either 'side' with a single or multiple partners. That's completely fine! It enables them to completely enjoy themselves and to be all that they are. People are amazing, we can do so many things when we want to.

If this was meant to be a personal question rather than a hypothethical one, my answer is a little different. i, personally, can't balance multiple intimate relationships of any kind. For me to submit to Master, i have to give Him all of myself- all my trust, all my fears, all my insecurities, all my silly moments, all my neuroticism, all my sexual desire, all my nurturance, all my control. Everything. In exchange for that though, i need all of Him. This means that, albeit pretty selfishly, i can't cope with Master having partners other than me. i need all of Him and i need Him to have all of me. There's no room for anybody else. i have no desire and no ability to submit to anybody else because i don't have anything left to give. It was taken on by Master when i was collared.

i can have multiple sexual relationships, it's not something i enjoy or crave but it's possible because i tend to disassociate feelings from sex when i'm in a situation like that. i can't have a D/s or M/s relationship with anybody else, though.

i hope that made sense and that an answer to your question was in there somewhere! Thank you,

-r.

Ask rose

Journal

2011-06-14T21:40:00.001+10:00

i've been interested in sexuality for quite a long time. i have a few sexual therapy books, which i bought not for self-help, but because i'm usually pretty interested in whatever other people have to say about sex.

So when i read about how useful sex journaling can be in distressed couples, it made me start to think about it. And it's a fantastic thing. For the couples in the book, they were having trouble because one partner wanted sex more than the other, or the woman had lost interest in sex completely, or any number of horrible things. And journaling helped because it brought sex to the forefront of both of their minds and enabled communication and self awareness.

Master and i aren't having relationship problems. Far from it, we're doing so much better lately than we had been in ages. Also, we're not an older vanilla couple who've been married for 20+ years. We're young, and we're kinky, and we're in love.

But still this seems like a great idea to me. Writing a line or less about every sexual encounter and every play scene sounds just brilliant. You know why?

Beyond being able to look back and smile at all the fun we've had, beyond being able to see the evolution of our relationship across the next however many years until we're old and wrinkly,

there's that lesson i'm always trying to learn

To be Thankful.

Because if i have a record, i can't not be grateful for every lovely thing Master does for me. i can't forget to say thank you Master for beating me or degrading me or making me cum or letting me suck Your cock. And when i can look back over the past however long through constant journal entries, i'll get a sense of how priviledged i truly am.

and that can only help me be a better slave. Which is always the goal, right?

Watching the Door

2011-06-11T12:35:00.002+10:00

i've been neglecting the blog lately. It's easy not to write when things are going okay. And things are okay. i struggled a bit with a flare up of my seasonal depression a few weeks back, and i battled through a massive assignment just after Master came out of surgery, which was tough on both of us. He was so good at putting up with me when i was so stressed out that i probably took it out on Him without meaning to. He really looks after me better than i could ever probably articulate in words.
We rediscovered the fun of 'scene' play at home, then ventured out to some local events and met some amazing new people. Not sure if public play is something we're going to do more of, but at least it's nice to be amongst like minded people for a night every few weeks. i've started feeling like playing a little more often, so has Master, and that's had a really nice influence on both of us. It's funny how great it can make me feel in my everyday life if i get tied up or degraded or beaten every now and then. i love seeing the impact it has on Master, too. Sometimes life just gets in the way, and then you forget how important it actually is. i guess that's what happens in a relationship after a while, vanilla or not. It's how you spring back from something like that that matters, though, so i'm glad we've moved forward together in such a great way.
i've been away this week. Master's given me a few tasks and i've felt really secure in my place, but i miss Him so much right now. i feel like a part of me is missing. i want to hear His voice in my ear or feel Him slap me across the face or grab my butt or pull me into His chest and refuse to let me move, even when i struggle.
i'll be back with Him in a few days. It's only a week after all. i've coped with it before. i don't know how long distance submissives cope with this long term, though.
i feel owned, which is important to me. i'm not worried about Him having changed His mind about being with me while i've been gone this time, which is a stupid thought i've always had a bit of trouble with but am now getting better at dismissing.
but i feel like a pet waiting at the door for an Owner who's seriously late from work. Like somehow, nothing will be right until i hear His footsteps coming toward me.
2 days.

Tease and Deny

2011-06-05T16:24:00.001+10:00

Almost finger-sized: Cal Exotics' mini vibra tease

i really, really wanted to completely love my latest review toy, the mini vibra tease by California Exotics. Part of EdenFantasys' adult toys lineup and priced at just under USD $15, it's sure to appeal to many butt-curious people out there.

Size comparison with a pen

The toy is cute. The one that arrived for me is pink, which is never a bad thing, but its super slender shape and small size make it just about the least intimidating anal toy ever. It's packaged simply in easy click open plastic, the latex free/ phthalates free/ hypo-allergenic TPR material that it's made from is pleasant to the touch and has no nasty odor. Best of all for the first impression, it comes packaged with two sets of watch batteries. Being able to use a toy straight out of the packaging is such a rarity and selling the toy with batteries included is something i really appreciated.

The little bullet included with the vibra tease is sadly what let it down. Made of not-quite-silky-smooth chrome coloured plastic with a waterproof seal, the vibe is meant to be the selling point of this toy. It started out quite strongly, but the vibrations are very shallow and buzzy instead of thrumming and deep and sexy. The first set of batteries didn't even make it through one use before they had worn down to the point of the vibe being completely useless.

You can use the vibra tease without the vibe, or you can do what i've done and replace the included bullet with a better one. Getting the included bullet out can be a little bit difficult, but with enough wriggling it comes out eventually.

This toy is a probe, not a plug, so if you're wanting something to stay in place without being held, like to wear during sex, look elsewhere. Because the bullet sticks out of the base of the toy, you also can't sit on it to hold it in place. It's a great toy to have used on you, or to use on your partner. Because it's so skinny, it's great for complete anal newbies but if you sort out the vibrator it can also be good for the more experienced. It's not big enough to completely open you up (say, enough for anal sex), but it's a nice toy to start out a night of fun with.

If you're planning on sharing it with somebody else, you'll have to use condoms on it, which might be a little difficult because of its shape. TPR can't be boiled or put in the dishwasher so you can't sterilise it- it's a one butt toy. It cleans up fine with toy cleaner or antibacterial soap though, so not to worry if it's just for one person. You can also use both silicone and waterbased lubes with this one, which is a nice plus.

One butt-loving happy family- the vibra tease with my own bullet added, condoms and Cal Exotics L'Amour intermediate silicone probe

All in all, the vibra tease has a lot of good points, but unfortunately this was a bit disappointing. It would be great for a complete anal newbie as the shape is just so accessible, and combined with the solid investment of a decent bullet vibe it can be pretty pleasurable to use with a partner. Sadly because of the disappointing bullet, it falls far short of the out-of-the-box-amazing Cal Exotics intended it to be. Until it's time for my next review, be sure to have a look at the other vibrators and more on offer by EF, i know i will!

Obedience

2011-05-31T15:22:00.002+10:00

Sometimes, things just happen and i don't get the chance to really think about them in the moment. Then some time afterwards, usually when my brain is meant to be preoccupied with something actually productive, the realisation of what actually happened comes back to slap me over the face.
Yesterday, i had a migraine. A really, really bad one. Light hurt. Moving hurt. Everything hurt.
i knew as soon as it started in the morning that it was only going to get worse. So i packed everything up and was going to leave Master's so He wouldn't have to deal with me. It was selfish of me, i should have asked what He wanted first. But my mind doesn't always let me do what i should and i went into that stupid guilty self protect mode that i do.
Master wasn't happy about the prospect of me leaving, but i had it stuck in my head that it'd be worse for Him if i stayed because i was going to be pretty miserable until the pain was gone. i didn't really even know how i was going to get home, i just wanted to get out before i got worse to save Master from feeling like He had to help.
i packed up all my stuff and was standing less than a foot from the door when He said 'Don't go.'
It was like something inside me buckled. Master says 'no', so 'no'. End of story. i put my stuff down and curled up on the couch. There was not a single fiber of me that could disobey what He'd said. As much as i thought i should go, as bad as i felt about how He'd have to look after me, i physically could not step out that door.
i let Him overrule me. He was able to take the control when i needed Him to the most. It was the right decision, though when He made it i don't think either of us were that convinced.
i'm so proud of us.

Sex and Touch

2011-05-30T18:04:00.001+10:00

From fetlife:

Do you have any habits, rituals, rules, or protocols regarding your sex life, and physical touch?

The only real rule that concern our sex life is that i'm not allowed to orgasm without permission from Master. i can touch myself without asking whenever i like. i have to be clean and have my landing strip at least decently maintained all the time, though that doesn't really count as a sex rule, it's just personal hygeine. i can watch or look at porn as much as i like. It's also not really a rule but more of an understanding, that neither of us will engage in sexual conduct with anybody else, which includes but is not limited to physical contact.

Touch wise, neither of us are allowed to physically push the other away. If i don't want to be touched i have to say so and to acknowledge that Master might overrule this. We touch almost constantly when we're together. It's not always sexual, but we're usually holding hands or He's pinching my butt, or stroking and pulling my hair, or we're kissing, or i'm biting Him, sucking on His fingers, clinging onto His arm or just running my hands over His body and thinking about how lucky i am. We don't have any rules about this, it's just how it is. It's often left unsaid and most of the time we don't realise it.

i hurt Him quite often, actually. It's a possessive thing, i think. He loves it when i bruise Him or mark Him too, so i'm allowed to do that as long as i keep in mind that i'll only go as far as He wants me to. After rough sex we usually have about the same amount of marks as each other.

What about rules in regards to nudity?

We don't have any rules about nudity. i sometimes sleep naked when i'm with Master, never alone because i'm too cold by myself, but He leaves the decision up to me. It's a really nice way to just feel really close to Him.

Do you have to ask for sex in a certain way?
i don't have to ask for sex. Sometimes i initiate, sometimes Master does, sometimes we just get carried away and end up having sex without initially intending to. Sometimes i'll ask for something sexual when we're not already having sex just because i feel like whatever it is, like can i please worship Your cock Master. If we're already in a sexual context, i don't have to ask to do anything, so i can pleasure myself or Him however i want to. Also, Master's been known to bend me over and just start fucking me without notice or to pin me down and force me to orgasm one way or another, in those cases it just kinda happens whether i wanted it beforehand or not! i always love it as soon as it happens, though. it makes me feel so owned and sexy.

Do you get touched in a similar way on a regular basis? Do you have a routine for sex?

Probably the most regular is the way He strokes my hair and scratches behind my ear. That happens a lot. It's like a security blanket for me, it just makes me feel instant, blissful relaxation. It's not sexual though.

Sex tends to vary quite a lot depending on how we're both feeling. It can be really slow and romantic, or really really rough, sometimes it's really verbally degrading and loud, sometimes we don't talk much, and sometimes we're all lovey and soppy. Even the way we do things varies a lot. we use a lot of different positions. i don't always deepthroat, sometimes i'm tied up, sometimes we're roleplaying, i tease Him sometimes and try to draw out His orgasms but sometimes He doesn't let me and just fucks my throat, He doesn't always cum in the same place, we don't always do oral before sex, sometimes we just do oral or masturbate each other, or masturbate for the other to watch, sometimes He plays with me afterwards to make me cum again, sometimes He hurts me while i'm cumming, sometimes He spends forever just pleasuring me and making me feel amazing, sometimes He makes me wait forever to cum and sometimes He makes me cum over and over again really quickly. Variety really is the spice of life!

i love sex.

Kinks

2011-05-24T17:50:00.003+10:00

When did you first know you were into whatever Kink you are into?

The more experienced i get, the more time i spend living in this Lifestyle, the less kinky i seem to be finding myself. i don't have many fetishes at all anymore, really, i like some of the things people have fetishes for but don't need them to be aroused, and even then i don't need to be doing/being around them all the time. Things like impact play, choking, collars, leads and restraints, and hair pulling are nice sometimes, but i don't need them super regularly. It's more special to me when those things are an expression of how Master is feeling or a positive consequence of something i've done. i don't like having/doing them just for the sake of it.

In general, i don't usually know how i'm going to feel about something until it happens. i don't tend to fantasise about anything until i've already done and enjoyed it. i guess i'm backwards in that way, because for most people the fantasies come first.

There have been times where Master's run something by me before we've tried it for the first time, and i haven't really been able to answer Him as to whether it's something i want to do or not. i just don't know until i've done it or am in that situation. i'm really lucky that He now knows me better than i do most times, so He can tell how i'll react to something before i've done it even when i have no idea.

Power exchange is more of a-- necessity-- to me than a kink. i don't really know how to describe it. It helps me to function so much better than i do without it. Our power exchange does have an influence over our sex, but still i probably wouldn't call it a kink because it affects so much more. Argh i'm not sure what it is. It's just how we work best.

So i guess that leaves me with D/s.

If being Dominated counts as my kink, i really don't know when that first turned up, it sounds really cheesy but i think it was always there in the back of my mind. i was just waiting for the right man to turn up who isn't a pushover, but who can be Dominant, maybe even sadistic, respectful, loving and caring at the same time.

Wanting to serve my partner above all else, and being willing to do anything to make my partner happy really only turned up when Master did. It took me a long time to be okay with the fact that i'm happiest when i'm making Him happy, but it works for me now and i wouldn't change it for the world. i'm not masochistic so much as i just love pleasing the Sadist. Pain doesn't turn me on, His pleasure in hurting me turns me on. i didn't discover that until i met my Master. submission's not really a kink, because i'm pretty sure kinks are sex-related and i'm not 100% submissive when it comes to sex.

It's not a proper answer but i hope it was interesting nonetheless. Thanks for your question!

-r.

Holier than Thou

2011-05-22T21:44:00.005+10:00

We kinksters have a lot of pride in what we do. BDSM isn't just about whips and chains or rough sex or funny titles and playing dressups for us.

It's who we are.

BDSM reaches from somewhere within us to touch every little bit of our lives. It can shelter us from parts of ourselves that we don't want to see daylight. It can send us soaring into the dizzying, uncharted heights of pleasure. It can forge friendships and relationships that are completely honest and open in a world of fake plastic promises. It can comfort us when we don't know what to do in ourselves or our relationships. It can inspire us to improve ourselves, to love stronger than we ever thought possible, to reach that little bit higher in life, to be that little bit more devoted to somebody else than we thought we could be.

But there's been a sentiment flying around between some of us for quite a while that i just can't get behind.

What we do doesn't make us any better than anybody else. We're no more enlightened than John and Jane Smith who've been members of the missionary-sex-with-lights-off club since day one.

i love my Master.
i trust Him completely.
Sex with Him is the best i've ever had.
i want to be with Him for the rest of my life.

Having feelings like these for a partner isn't an uncommon thing. Who am i to say that our relationship is better than that of my vanilla friends? My experience of love as His slave is no different to the experience of anybody else, regardless of who they are. There are plenty of people who have written about love throughout history, it has countless sonnets and poems and stories and songs dedicated to it. Love letters have been made famous for their expression- most are timeless just for the sheer fact that their content is so applicable to almost everybody who reads them.

Master said a few days ago that i will no longer have the use of my safewords.
It didn't frighten me, because i know that nothing will change, even if those words lose their power for me.

i know and trust Him enough to know that He isn't going to make me do something that will harm me. That doesn't make me better than somebody who has a safeword, and it certainly doesn't make me better than somebody who doesn't know what a safeword is. They have the same trust in their partner as i do in my Master. The only difference is how that trust is expressed.

Love can't be measured. Neither can trust, or lust, or anything else we might feel or gain from a relationship. Some of us feel these things more strongly from relationships where the power is equally shared, some of us need power exchange to feel them, some of us feel them the most in other vanilla or kinky styles of relationship. It is how strongly we feel them that may change, depending on who we are. But saying that kinky relationships are more trusting, or that vanilla love is stronger than M/s love, is completely wrong.

Human sexuality is such a beautiful thing just because it is so incredibly diverse. Some things we kinksters do are completely beyond the comprehension of others, but we know that doesn't take their worth away from us. Why then do we feel the need to belittle the non kinky practises of other people? We should be celebrating the fact that no matter how you do it, sexuality is a huge part of who we are.

Who you are.

Nurse slave

2011-05-18T12:59:00.002+10:00

The doctors are happy with how Master's surgery yesterday went, and He's doing a lot better right now than we all expected. We're settling into the rehab routines right now. i'm learning how to co ordinate the different medicines He has to take and when to administer them.
Things have gone a lot smoother than i was expecting. i know i don't think much of myself, and if you're a regular reader you'll know that too, but to be honest i thought i'd be a lot more selfish than what i'm feeling.
i didn't think that the whole nurse slave thing would come to me as naturally as it seemingly has. i thought i'd be feeling demanding, bossy, needy, grumpy, impatient? None of those seem to be the right word, but you get the idea. Since Master's not in a place to be physically Dominant right now, i was worried i'd lose sight of my place and need to be put back in it, which of course can't happen.
But none of that's happened. Master seems pleased with the job i'm doing, and after worrying myself silly while He was in surgery yesterday i'm just pleased to be close to Him as much as possible.
Maybe the slave who's taken me over fixed a part of the selfish girl underneath. But the more i think about that, the more i wonder if the latter was ever really there or if it was just in my head.

The Right Wrist

2011-05-13T16:13:00.001+10:00

i wrote a little while ago about how i don't have to wear a collar anymore, because whether i wear a piece of jewelery or not, i'm owned and loved by Master.
i sometimes pop one on as i'm about to step out the door, or if i'm really droppy i usually end up wearing all of the things i have that show Master's ownership of me. But i've recently noticed that i've had my old, chunky, locking engraved steel bracelet continuously for at least a week now. It's about the least 'passing for vanilla' piece of jewelery ever created.
And i love it.
It's such a security blanket. Even when i've acclimatised to to the weight on my wrist, i only have to shake my arm to hear it tinkle and to feel the warmed steel slide against my skin.
Maybe i just need a physical reminder of Master lately, because i'm so stressed in general and because i haven't been seeing Him as much as i might want to. Maybe it because i have more restrictions on me, that i don't want to forget my place, even for a moment, so i always remember what i have to do/refrain from. Maybe it's because i'm so fulfilled and happy in my slavery lately, that i want to wear something so obvious almost in pride, to show it off to other people.
Regardless of the reason, because i could speculate on the inner workings of my brain unto eternity, i'm just filled with so much appreciation at having this as an option. Having this under my control seems to make me get so much more out of it than if i were just wearing it because i was told to.
It's odd how things work that way sometimes.

Taste Test

2011-05-08T17:12:00.004+10:00

Last week, Master was feeling a little gloomy so after my uni week finished, i went to stay with Him.

It was midweek, and He still had work all day, so we had to be a little more grounded in reality than we normally are when i stay with Him. No staying up late to play, no spending all day in bed.

For a few days, i got up with Him, made Him breakfast, got Him a drink, made and packed His lunch, and saw Him off at 7am. Then i cleaned up and did my own work until He got home.

It's such a tiny, simple thing, but it really had a strong impact on both myself and Master. i can't even really describe it. i hated getting up early, i was probably more grouchy than i should have been, and yet when i got the chance to sit at His feet for a few minutes just before He left, all that suddenly mattered was that i'd done something that He really appreciated, even though i didn't have to. i'd been able to completely put Him first.

i felt so grounded and content all day after starting it like that. All of that stupid stuff i usually stress about didn't really matter. i didn't feel like i needed anything other than what we were doing. It was like a peek into what it's going to be like when Master and i can finally live together fulltime. And that was a really lovely thing. i usually worry about not being suited to fulltime slavery.

i know that a few days is no way near long enough to tell. i know that there will surely be slaves out there who would laugh at a post like this and say 'well, you try doing it every day for 30 years!'

but you know what?

Even after 30 years, even after 70 years, i will never tire of hearing Master say 'good slave' like He did everyday as He stepped out the door. That's what matters to me.

Two Years On

2011-05-03T09:46:00.003+10:00

i feel like i should post today- two years ago today was when we made the change from me being a sub with a Sir to a slave with a Master.

but i don't think there's anything i can say today that i haven't said before. We didn't celebrate it last year, either. It was a big thing at the time for me, it felt like such a priviledge, but the real meaning of it didn't really form itself in my head until much later.

i think the real meaning of my slavery is still developing for me, every day. It's always growing, changing.

Every time we face a new challenge.
Every time He tells me to do something i hate.
Every time i say 'no' to a command, only to find myself doing it anyway.
Every time i realise He's right.
Every time i dream about sitting at His feet.
Every time He tells me to cum
or to be quiet and stay still to let Him spoil me,
get something for me,
make me feel good.
Every time He respects my body during play and stops only when i can't take another strike of the cane.
Every time He ignores me when i ask for things that aren't good for me, like more pain when i can't handle it.
Every time He strokes my hair or i worship a part of His body without realising what i'm doing.

And even though i'm still struggling with the same problems i was two years ago (namely, not being able to be physically together more often)
those are some of the things that make my slavery- my life- worthwhile.

Except...

2011-05-02T19:58:00.004+10:00

i wanted something new to do. It's been decided that the new thing will be a striptease.

small problem: i hate stripping.

i don't act, i don't like people watching me, i don't dance, i don't like it when i can't be touched or shown affection, i don't wear high heels, i don't like my body, and i'm clumsy.

Combine all of them and this is just about a perfect representation of hell for me. The 'How To' articles and videos i've looked at so far have left me feeling sick to my stomach at the prospect. When i've tried it in the past, i almost always ended up in tears. Brilliant.

This one might take a little while.

Stepping Backwards

2011-05-02T17:55:00.002+10:00

When I grow up I'll be a lady
All my rings will be made of gold
I'll put flowers in my room
I'll wear perfume
I won't listen to rock n' roll...

i've been thinking lately about where i'm heading next with my service. Okay, that's not entirely accurate. i'm always thinking about where i'm heading next with my service. i'm a very goal oriented person, i love having things clearly set out that i can work towards. Often i'll find myself talking to people and notice some background screaming in my mind to the tune of 'just tell me what you want me to do!'

i'm guilty of pestering Master about it, too. He's fantastic, but often when i ask what i could do to be a better slave for Him, how i could better please Him, He's not sure. It's a really tough question, i know it is, because my expectations of myself are so much higher than His could ever be. i do please Him. He won't put up with me not pleasing Him. i just always want to be better. To do that, i like to have ways of 'measuring up' to where i want to be. i like to be able to tick something off and then move on.

For the past god-knows-how-long, i've had really vague improvements in mind of being a little more ladylike. To improve my relationships with people, work on my communication skills, and to learn some skills that are enjoyable and most of all, of some practical benefit in the long term. Over the past year, i've been chipping away at that pool of things i want to learn, from knitting and crochet, to baking, cooking, cleaning, dressmaking and repair, embroidery, menu planning, extreme budgeting, papercraft, and most recently to the art of writing proper letters.

All of these things came to mind because they're things that, along with being useful, are completely in line with traditional ideas of the feminine role. This isn't for everybody, but i felt that to move forward and to really continue to grow in myself and my service, it was a matter of stepping back in time. i'll explain why.

Many years ago, there were extremely clear cut definitions of what women should do, what they should say, how they should dress. Now, those expectations aren't as visible as they once were. We ladies can act, dress, or speak in whichever manner we choose to. That's fantastic news- it gives us the right to do what we want and what's best for us. For me though, and for some others like me out there, that's too much responsibility.

i'm extremely lazy and selfish if left to my own devices. i have been manipulative and cruel in past relationships, more out of laziness than spite.
i hate like these things about myself. i never enjoyed hurting others, i just wasn't ever sure about how i should have been acting. If clear boundaries aren't set, either for me or by me, i tend to stamp about on the wrong side of the line just because i can.

i have changed, in many ways. The reason i've been able to change that is that i've had an idea in my head about how i should be. Master has inspired me in so many ways, to change my old ways of thinking and to completely overhaul my being. i can't thank Him enough for that. He helped make me who i am now.

This is why i find myself so drawn to the traditional roles and ideas about feminity. That structure, that knowledge, those skills, they're so complete that there's no room to worry about what you might be doing wrong.

The problem is that my world revolves around Master, and that this isn't the 1950's.
i could become the perfect '50's housewife, but if it's not how best to serve Him, it wouldn't last long.

He likes it when i wear daggy jeans and His oversized shirts. He doesn't care that i never wear heels. He likes it when i don't wear makeup. He doesn't mind if i swear, complain, or say something immature or vulgar. He couldn't care less about whether i can set a table or host an afternoon tea.

What i need to do is to work on developing the skills of reading His personal desires better, rather than try to impose some outside ideal onto Him. Unfortunately, there's no step by step manual on 'things to learn in order to be more pleasing to rose's Master 101'. And for some reason that feels like starting back at square 1.

's Wonder-ful

2011-05-01T20:10:00.001+10:00

Like everybody else, i was thrilled to start reviewing some toys from the popular online store for adult toys, Edenfantasys.

Master helped pick out the toy from Edenfantasys line up of vibrators, a slimline G-Spot number by toymaker Evolved, and i was silently thankful that the vibrator made of ice hadn't been chosen. Some two weeks later, it arrived, which to get halfway across the world isn't in bad time, and i gave it a little once-over. Master decided it wouldn't be properly used 'til He could be there.

Though it is limited from the Dom's point of view in the sense that it does not come packaged with the ability to be sadistic via temperature extremes, the Wonder did represent somewhat of a stretch for me in that it's the first jelly vibe i've experienced. i've had somewhat of a sex robot phobia for quite some time, and when Master started using toys on me, He was careful to only push so far.

That meant that while i'm now used to the boring, slimline hard plastic vibe, and have grown to completely adore the teeny LED adorned buzzy bullet that completely make up my 'masturbation toy' collection, those Rabbit-esque jelly vibrators, have remained somewhat off limits. A whole new, mesmerisingly rotating, jiggly, pearl-filled universe.

i think i'm finally ready to take the next step.

Enter the Wonder.

It arrived in good time and after i'd excitedly unwrapped Edenfantasys' packaging, i was thankful that it was so plain because the Wonder's tin is anything but discreet. The hot pink jelly vibe lay there in all its glory, peeking up at me from under the clear lid of the locking tin it came in. If you're a private girl, be sure to have something to cover up the tin with or a good place to hide it as there's no mistaking the packaging for a trendy, boutique something else- it's a sex toy and damn proud of it too. This toy is off limits for the anal players among us, due to its extremely slim base.

The reusable packaging was a great idea, though- as the vibe is made of jelly, it's soft and would be prone to being damaged if it were left to knock around with other toys, and keeping it in the tin is a good idea for hygiene reasons, too. You can use condoms with it if you're going to be sharing partners, but waterbased lube is a must otherwise you risk damaging the material it's made from. For those of us with allergies it's good news too, being latex free.

After a few swift unclips of the tin, the 8.5" vibe was out and in my hand. i was somewhat disappointed that it didn't come with the 2 AA batteries it requires, but you can't have everything and Master wasn't there so i couldn't have used it anyway. i was a little surprised by the feel of the material it's made of- it's quite soft and pliable to the touch but firm enough to not just flop around. It doesn't rotate or have those strange pearls of the Rabbit type vibes, but a decent sized dual motor bullet vibrator at one end and some gentle rolling moulded bumps down the other, and despite all of this it retains a pretty sexy slim 1.25" thick body that is nothing like the uber intimidating demeanour i was expecting.

The single push button at its base is the only method of controlling the Wonder, which is something i found a little bit of a let down. Sure rotating wheels and up/down arrows can be a little ungainly to handle, but they enable you to really tailor the movements of the vibe to the type of sensations you're trying to get from it. When i used it for the first time, i was constantly disappointed by how much i accidentally turned it off just by knocking the tiny button on its end. The vibe is meant to be held by that small end, so i have no idea why they thought the button should go there.

As much as i can nit pick forever, this is a great little toy. Master enjoyed using it on me while He was licking my clit, and He also liked watching me play with it by myself. It is a visually appealing unit, and the vibrations are powerful enough to feel really amazing, even for those who are new to g-spot play and unsure about how to go about finding that elusive little patch of pleasure. Using it, Master was actually able to stimulate me enough to make me squirt, which was a first for us and a great surprise.

It is powerful enough to be used for surface stimulation of the clitoris, but unless it's inside you, the highest setting can be quite loud. When used as intended, the toy is relatively quiet, surely not able to be heard through a bedroom door, which is a relief for those of us in share houses! It's also completely waterproof, which means you can even use it in the bath, a fact i can see Master and myself exloiting at one time or another in the future.

i don't think i'm completely into jelly vibes yet, but this toy was a lot of fun, especially when Master could be in control of my pleasure through it- the graduated 3 speeds really lend themselves to tease and deny, and i'm actually surprised how quickly i got used to the idea of using it. right now, i'm looking forward to trying out and reviewing the next product, let's hope it will be as much fun as this one was!

Little Things

2011-04-28T22:30:00.002+10:00

It's the little things that He does that mean the most to me. Little reminders of His power over me, His control, or my place.
Tonight, i went to a submissives only munch, and He insisted on picking me up from the restaurant and driving me home because He didn't want me out at night on public transport by myself.
i could have got home by myself. i would have been happy to do it by myself. So why does it mean so much to me to have that taken away? It feels amazing to have Him care enough to force me to let Him do something for me that i could easily do myself.
i really love being owned.

Positively Sexed

2011-04-24T13:50:00.002+10:00

Master set me a writing task but i don't have internet access at the moment, so i'm writing this on my phone. Please excuse the typos and grammatical errors that i'm sure you're about to encounter.
What makes me sex positive?
i'm sex positive because i don't have any tabboos when it comes to sex, and even though i don't engage in some practises i can understand that others may enjoy them and that's just fine by me.
i'm sex positive because i acknowledge that everyone has the right to enjoyable and safe sex, and to the advice or medical attention that comes along with it.
i'm sex positive because i'm aware that many people approach sex in different ways, and that just because somebody else thinks about or enacts their sexuality differently to me, they're not better or worse than i am.
i'm sex positive because i believe in safe sex education over just closing our eyes and pretending young adults will all abstain.
i'm sex positive because i always try to be conscious of people's comfort levels when discussing sexual matters.
i'm sex positive because i don't judge people as a whole based on their sexual past or current choices.
i'm sex positive because i believe that sex should be fun and a pleasant experience for everybody involved, and that sex isn't inherently shameful or dirty.
i'm sex positive because i believe that everybody should be able to purchase sexual aids to enhance their experience without feeling embarassed or discriminated against. i'm sex positive because i believe that the smutty, grimy sex shops and porn aimed only at a male audience should be a thing of the past.
i'm sex positive because i refuse to accept that good girls don't watch porn or enjoy sex.
i'm sex positive because i believe that we should all be able to pursue and experience our inner sexual desires without being afraid of being judged.
i'm sex positive because i believe that good sex should not hurt or cause harm to any participant, that informed consent is critical, and that one desire shouldn't outweigh the wellbeing or desires of anybody else.
These things are all very close to my heart, they always have been and likely always will be. i'm just thankful to have found a partner who's just as positive as i am when it comes to all things sex.
- r.

Being There

2011-04-21T09:52:00.003+10:00

There's only been a handful of times that i can think of where i've actually been 'there' when Master and i were having sex.

Usually i'm in subspace, or painspace, or roleplaying somebody else, or just otherwise distracted. It's extremely rare that i remember play or sex clearly. While neither of us is hugely into fetish, there's almost always some element of D/s or s/M to our sex. It's just who we are and what we like. i always had a lot of trouble enjoying myself if those however small things weren't there.

He wanted me there last night. Not subspace floaty incomprehensible me, not a fucktoy, not a painslut, not anybody else. Just regular me.

At first i was worried about the possibility of Him not enjoying Himself, or of me not being able to fulfil Him when i'm not in sub mode, or of me not cumming and making Him feel bad. For one of the first times ever when i was with Him, i was worried for a moment about how i looked. (Isn't subspace fabulous for that? No ego = maximum body confidence, as long as it follows orders)

Then He told me to look into His eyes and somehow all of that went away.

and i got butterflies.

and i felt so incredibly close to Him.

and i came again and again and again.

but we were both there the whole time. And i remember every second of it.

and i've fallen for Him all over again.

Running

2011-04-16T00:11:00.004+10:00

He's the first person i've ever run to.

i've either run away from everybody else or just stopped dead and expected them to bolt.

It takes a lot of submission in me to ask for something from somebody else. A lot of trust.

because i'm with Him so much, i feel so much less like the damaged goods i probably am. i don't feel damaged with Him. i don't have to apologise or explain away my behaviour, i don't have to hold back on anything. Because He just knows by now. He doesn't even have to say it. It's just there, hanging around Him. In His eyes.

It's alright, slave. I know.

He knows how i'll react to almost everything. He always takes my side. He always has my best interests in mind, even if i don't know what they are or care if they're met at the time. And not once has He turned away to run, despite His knowledge of me. He's always there, letting me run to Him and not stepping back one inch.

and that means a lot to me.

Paintoy

2011-04-12T18:07:00.004+10:00

We had a really intense pain session on the weekend, and i'm a little more bruised from the cane than i ever have been before.

i've been really stressed this week with work pressures and life in general, so Master was quick to guess that pain is probably a good thing for me to keep me grounded. Yesterday, He had me hurt myself for Him quite a bit, with both my bruises and nipples getting some attention. Today was a little more of the same. Aside from that, i'm still noticing that i'm sore when i'm just sitting down, so i'm constantly aware of it.

It's actually been surprisingly difficult for me to obey those commands. Usually it's easy to hurt myself for Him, sexy, something i want to do whenever He asks me to. Today especially however, it's felt like a shift from 'you did naughty kinky things on the weekend and you got off on it' pain to 'stubbed your toe' pain. And incase anybody is wondering, the latter isn't sexy at all.

Because it's there all the time, i feel less connected with the fact that the pain is there because Master wants it there, and think less about how the bruises came to be there in the first place. It doesn't feel like the kind of pleasurable pain that comes from His hands squeezing me or pinching me or twisting the clamps.

It just hurts.

The annoying thing is, as much as i hate it, every time i obey Him and hurt myself further, i feel amazing. i feel so completely owned. It's like it's completely worth the sensation to be obeying Him. Even better, perhaps, because it's difficult for me to do.

It's frustrating. But i seem to need to push past 'like' and 'don't like', because in the scheme of things, they don't really matter. What matters is that i follow His directions, because out of the two of us, He's the one who is more in tune with what is best for me.

To Touch Or... ?

2011-04-10T19:52:00.004+10:00

i've never really been into playing with myself, by myself.

It took me until i was being intimate with other people for me to 'discover' that masturbation was fun. i don't know how i missed out, but just didn't seem to see the appeal of it that other kids did. It's probably because i have trouble turning myself on with fantasising and the like. i need somebody else to be actively involved for sex to be interesting for me. It's a social thing as well as physical, right?

When i met Master, one of the first things He did was to take away my right to free orgasms, so i could only play with myself and cum when He said so. That was fine by me, because well, if He isn't with me or taunting me i don't really get that horny anyway. It was easy for me to obey.

Then He trained me to orgasm by a verbal command. It took a lot of orgasms to learn, and all of those had to be with Him so i could pair the orgasm with His voice. i'd only get sexual stimulation when i was with Him. i'm allowed to play with myself all i want now, but i have to ask to cum.

Now, i'm starting to feel like it's something i should work on to be more pleasing to Master, turning myself on that is. The more sex and the more orgasms i have, the more i want them. Master likes it when i'm eager and horny and begging for Him to let me cum, He likes it when i've been teased and denied repeatedly. If i can learn to turn myself on more often, i'll be relying on His decisions more, giving Him the chance to say 'no' rather than having to turn me on Himself.

it's a matter of turning around that 'You won't cum without permission' in my head from 'You won't cum unless I'm present and telling you to' to 'You will offer your desire and arousal to Me so I can make the decision on whether you'll cum or not'.

i suppose that's giving Him a little more control, isn't it? Offering something up for it to be accepted or rejected?

It does scare me in a way; because of my past, i'm pretty sensitive to being rejected physically. i'm not sensitive about being denied orgasms, though, just when i'm pushed away or denied His touch alltogether.

It's certainly something to be thinking about, it might take a little more planning before i start working on it. i'm keen to work on myself if it would please Him, though. Whatever direction that takes me.

Lurking

2011-04-07T11:38:00.003+10:00

i follow 54 kink/sex/relationship blogs. Not all of these are updated daily, in fact some of them aren't updated any more. Of an evening most nights, i really look forward to opening my google reader, sitting down with a cup of tea and just reading what everybody has written that day.

i read everything that comes up on that list.
Some nights i ache or cry because one of the writers is hurting or has had a scare or something terrible has happened.
Some nights i laugh and giggle at something funny that's happened, or just sit there with a stupid smile on my face because i can feel how happy the writer is through the screen.
Some nights i'm completely amazed and inspired by the stories of strength or words of wisedom that teach me how to better myself or give me something to aim for.
Sometimes i wonder at the clever ideas that are expressed- why didn't i think of that?- and i write them down to work on learning them.
Sometimes i'm shocked by how beautifully written something is, how well expressed a piece of fiction is, how totally submissive and wonderfully expressed somebody can be.
Sometimes i wish i was there, that those kinky, sexy things were happening to me. Sometimes i wonder if i would react the same way the writer has, if my thoughts would be different or if i could be that obedient and dedicated.
Sometimes i am reminded of something i have done, somewhere i've been or something Master and i are planning on doing.

Lately though, i've become more aware of how intimate this space is, how much every one of the writers i read is letting me into their mind, their bedroom, their dungeon, their life. i've been blogging online for over 2 years now, and am still marvelling at how open and real some stories can be.
and i'm incredibly thankful.

So much so, that when i go to comment, sometimes i find i can't.
It feels to much like interfering, or poking my thoughts in where they're not needed. Like an invasion of somebody else's private place.

Which is stupid because we're on the internet, and because i still read, still use these spaces like a window into somebody else.

Nevertheless, i thought i should write something to express that.
i am reading your life story.
i am incredibly thankful that you write and share it with me and the rest of the world. Thank you, all of you.
i care about what you write and why you write it.

and even when i don't reach out in a comment, i still care. i'm just lurking.

No More

2011-04-06T21:39:00.003+10:00

i've had some completely rediculous fears flying around my head for a few days now, and i'm completely sick of it. i'm dealing with them here for the last time.

i messed up on monday, and again yesterday. i forgot to make sure i was wearing panties. The first day wasn't so bad because Master didn't really care whether i wore them or not and i find it hard at the best of times to break habits. But in effect, i disobeyed on tuesday because on monday night Master gave me an express command to wear them the next day, and suggested that i write a note to remind myself to break the habit i was in. i didn't write the note and i didn't remember.

It was only a minor infraction but it completely ruined my day yesterday. because i was so upset about it, i ruined a day that i could have spent enjoying precious time with Master. i completely lost sight of the fact that a) it was a tiny mistake and b) Master wasn't really all that fussed. i felt completely worthless and like a disobedient excuse of a slave. All of that 'you only obey when it suits you' crap that terrifies me came up. It was because of it that i let my old useless thought processes take hold of me again.

So when i was told some news about Master deciding to move further away, i wasn't in the best place to hear it. It hurt me, a lot. It hurt that i wasn't involved at all in the decision until it had been made already, it scared me that i was going to have to cope with seeing Him a lot less than i do now. It especially hurt because those old thought processes were hard at work since i was still feeling like a complete failure as a slave.

i felt like it was happening already, that He is moving away because i'm not pleasing Him any more, that He was going to fall in love with somebody else and that would be the end of us. i felt like i was going to be replaced for somebody better. Somebody more compatable with Him. More like the women in His magazines. More than that, i felt that it is what i deserve. That it would make Him happier. The more i thought about it, the more certain i became with the fact that that was going to happen.

There was nothing Master could say or do to stop me. i'd picked up all those things from previous bad relationships, it was all my baggage coming back to haunt me. It wasn't His fault- it's not that i don't trust Him. i couldn't help it and i couldn't stop the thoughts coming, even though i knew they weren't true they still hurt. my self confidence was shattered and now everything else was coming down with it.

Now, you know what?
i've had enough.

Since yesterday, i've done everything i've been asked to and more. i've been helpful to others when i really didn't have to. i've done my tasks to the best of my ability and got my homework in on time. i've dressed appropriately and presented myself as Master would want me to, even though i didn't feel like brushing my hair or putting on makeup or dressing nicely. i've repeated my slave mantra in my head anytime i was feeling my emotions get out of check or have had trouble with my thoughts. i've written this honestly and let everything go, something that i really struggle with is emotional expression. There is literally nothing today that i could have done better. Tomorrow, i'm going to do it all again. And the next day, and every day until Master decides He wants me to do things differently.

i'm a loyal, passionate slave who deserves the love and care she is afforded by her Master.
Nothing is going to take that away from me ever again.

Voiced

2011-04-06T16:52:00.003+10:00

"A little light writing task today... Master's voice: Why i love it and why it's important".

Superficially, i really like the sound. i've always loved Your accent, or those like Yours, ever since i was a little girl and heard them on the TV. i like that it's different to mine and everybody else's that i know.

i love how deep Your voice is, it just sounds so masculine and sexy to me. i love how the uber Dom has a different voice to Daddymode and how You can't seem to control which one comes out. i love how i can get a feel for Your mood just from Your voice.

i love the kinds of things You say, the types of words You use. Sometimes You use old fashioned terms that make me smile or remind me of something. i love it when You say what i'm thinking, or we say the same thing at the same time. i love how natural 'pet' sounds from You, how nobody would question it as a vanilla nickname for me because of how normal it sounds.

i love how Your voice feels like a guide for me when i'm in subspace, how it's the only thing that really stays with me when i'm floating off somewhere else. It's always constant, always there, regardless of how out of it i am. It can bring me back from space gently or send me spinning off into it.

i love how You can talk me down when i'm upset, and i can just get lost completely in the sound of You, and not notice anything else. i can't do that with anybody else. Usually my brain interrupts or i get distracted. That doesn't happen with You.

Your voice is important because it tells me what i need to do. This can be important for different reasons. In a scene it could be important because You're telling me something to make sure i'm safe, or to keep me from doing something dangerous. It could be to calm me down if i've triggered or reacted badly to something that's happened. It could be to degrade me or turn us on, to show me what is expected of me in a particular moment or how i should approach what is happening. It could make me laugh or show me that it's time to be silly. It could let me know how You're feeling and how i can serve You better or that i'm needed to make You feel better.

Your voice is important to me because it makes me feel owned, loved, and cared for.

Stripped

2011-04-03T16:14:00.003+10:00

This week, i've not been permitted to wear panties at all. i still have a little under 7 hours left.

i won't say that this has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do for Him because, well, there's been a few of those. He's had to push pretty hard in places and sometimes i didn't think we'd get there in one piece. A few times we probably arguably weren't in one piece by the end.

So, it might not have been the hardest, but it's been up there.

The first day, it made me horny. Incredibly so. Distractingly, humiliatingly, writhingly, pants-soakingly so. For the entire day. He loved it, and i loved the way He was loving having that extra control over me. It was also uncomfortable and a completely new sensation, and it turned me on that i was putting up with it for Him.

The second day, it made me angry. For absolutely no reason, all i could think that morning was 'why the hell am i still doing this? How dare He?' yada yada yada. When i was getting dressed, i pulled a pair of panties halfway up my legs before taking them off and putting them away and getting dressed without them as i had been told to do. But for 10 minutes that morning, i was uncharacteristically struggling with it. i folded eventually and was okay with it once i was dressed.

i had a terrible day and my mind was muddled. That afternoon, i messed up big time without meaning to, and made Master angry and upset. That completely crushed me, that i had hurt Him like that. i felt completely worthless and angry with myself. i punished myself for hours.

The next day, i didn't struggle with not wearing panties any more. It seemed to have become something i felt i must have needed, an extra reminder of what i am and my duty to be obedient at all times. i had accepted it for the task that a slave completes for her Master.

From the fourth day, i started really feeling open. It was a complete turnaround from where i had been on the first day- where not wearing panties was all about how it made me feel horny and submissive and sexy. Instead, i feel physically vulnerable, but don't expect that to get me anywhere. It's like i am merely open should Master choose to do anything with that. i don't feel as needy as i did before. It's still humiliating to think about, but it doesn't particularly tie in with me emotionally or sexually.

Tomorrow's going to be interesting, though.

They're Back

2011-03-27T21:24:00.004+11:00

The capital letters. Those 'His' and 'Him', 'You', 'Yours' and all the rest of them.

i don't quite know what made them return, it wasn't really a conscious thing. i think it probably says a lot about my state of mind at the moment, though. i'm feeling so much more grounded than i ever have been.

Master actually hated the capital letters thing when we first started seeing each other. Well, maybe hate is too strong of a word, but He's a grammar nazi and proud of it, and it wasn't something that He felt was necessary. Now, He puts up with it.

The use of capitals are a remnant of the teachings of my Mentor, who drilled them into me as often as He possibly could. He'd often trick me to ensure i was on top of them. i thought He was training me to a kind of base level where any Dom would then automatically take me seriously. Funnily enough, the first real Dom to do so couldn't have cared any less about the mannerisms of my typing. It's more about what you're saying, not how you say it, in Master's book.

But i think my Mentor was right to teach me to use capitals. Not in the 'one true way' sense, but in the sense of the fact that it makes me think about what i'm typing and why i'm typing it. In effect, using capitals makes me think and feel differently, and that has an impact on what i'm saying and the type of voice i use. It puts me in a more calm state of mind, because i'm not worrying about how my message could be construed as much. Ironic, isn't it? By making me not try to talk in a submissive fashion and instead only requiring me to capitalise 'Him', i end up feeling more submissive and probably making myself come across that way as well.

It works in reverse, too. i have to think about the capitals less if i'm feeling submissive, often they just happen when i'm feeling like that without me noticing.

Why does that give me the feeling that somewhere far away, my old Mentor is smiling to Himself and thinking 'Well, she finally got it. About time'.

Closer

2011-03-26T21:12:00.003+11:00

i've never been a sports fan. When i first started seeing Master, i knew that it was something that He enjoys, but i was content to leave it as 'His' business. Likewise, i knew that He plays computer games, but had decided that it wasn't something that i would do myself.

Over the last few months, i've been investigating by watching games with Him, or letting Him help me play on His computer, and startingly have actually found myself really enjoying those experiences. i've also been battling pretty hard with this, the notion of whether i was pushing myself too far into His space, whether it was something i was permitted to do with Him as His slave. i suppose i've worried that if i did these things with Him and had all of the same interests as Him, i would somehow lose some part of my submission. Stupid, i know.

i also have the rejection fear, i suppose. Where if i get too close and really let myself be, without the safe, easy structure of submission, that He won't like me. That i won't be doing what He wants or what is best for Him.

i think it's finally the time in my life that those barriers are coming down. Last night, i went with Master to a real big game. My first ever. i sat with Him in the stadium along with some 16 thousand other people, and i yelled and clapped and sung and loved every single minute of watching our team play. i'd do it again in a heartbeat.

We came home, and made love, and i fell asleep naked and pressed against Him. We slept really close together, which is unusual for us. It felt so completely amazing to wake up with Him still in the same position as where we'd fallen asleep. i woke up happy, because it's like a light has been switched on in my head. A light that's pointing out a little more of what being His slave means for me.

A light at knowing that somehow, being His slave requires all of me to just be. And i can't possibly mess that up.

Falling Back

2011-03-24T15:36:00.004+11:00

This week has been tough for me, and it's not even Friday yet. Lots of pressure, lots of people relying on me, lots of chances to stop and think about just what it is i'm doing and then to be reminded of all the possible ways i can fail. Lots of not having time for things i want. Lots of missing Master and feeling needy and burnt out at the end of the day. Lots of going to bed at curfew only to toss and turn all night and sleep only a few hours.

He has been the only thing holding me together this week. wow, he's been holding tight, but it's worked amazingly well for me.

i've had pain tasks every night this week; nipple torture one night, hairbrush spanking the next, cunt slaps last night. It's difficult for me to follow orders like that in the moment, because they make me feel like the short distance between us is huge, and because i worry that i won't have the willpower to do it to his standards.

But it's so worth it. Straight afterwards, i get this rush of feeling completely owned and cared for. It stays with me for hours.

After the second night's task, which i had to do the next morning because i was so exhaused i was sent to bed, i was looking forward to the next chance to hurt myself for him. i was feeling so grounded in my slavery that everything else was bearable during the day. i'd notice a sore spot and smile. Knowing that he was going to push me like that, even when i was stressed, even when i was tired, was so reassuring to me. Knowing that he was enjoying my pain, that he was feeding off it as well, was just what i needed. The endorfins couldn't have hurt, either.

i wouldn't want him to give me tasks just for my sake, and sometimes even when i know that it isn't the case i worry that i'm being selfish or asking too much of him. This week, i haven't felt like that at all. i have been eager to take all he will give me, but content with just that.

He was there the whole time this week, constant, holding me to his standards and not letting me drop one inch. He is there. He is my Master. i am so grateful.

Mental Holiday

2011-03-21T18:08:00.004+11:00

Right now, i want to be bound.

Spread out on a soft floor, rope snaking over my body in a neverending caress, the patterns leaving imprints on my flesh that will remain long after i am untied. Tightly, so tightly.

Unable to move beyond this one pose you have placed me in. The comforting leather cuffs at my wrists shackled together, the rest of my body entwined with the rope. The severe leather collar straightening my spine and eliminating sideways movement of my head. i would not want to even try.

My mouth is gagged, tongue tasting rubber and stroking it almost as though it were skin. The blindfold is secured and i plunge into darkness. Here, there is only the tightness of the rope, the taste of the gag, and your voice. There is nothing else.

"Be still."

Beautiful words in your relaxing tone. The harshness of life and thoughts of other things are long gone now. There is only darkness and the rope. i wonder briefly if your holiday is watching mine.

Aversion

2011-03-19T12:13:00.007+11:00

i love sucking cock. But there's a small problem, i can't handle the taste of urine. It makes me gag uncontrollably, not in a sexy way. This morning, it made me throw up and then spend an hour in tears.

The gag response has always happened, for as long as i've been giving oral after the guy has recently been to the bathroom, but it's never affected me like it did today. i feel completely flattened. i've worked myself up so much that i can't even think about anything else.

So why?
Why is it affecting me like this? It's just a physical reaction, right? Why do i feel so completely worthless because of it?

It's because it's my first 'can't'.
i have tried so many times to get past it, to do things differently, think about other things, focus on what i'm doing, try not to be selfish. Nothing has helped.

Every other 'Master, i can't' has been resolved eventually. i've been able to give him anything he has wanted, even when i didn't think i could at the start. i learned to drive for him, when i used to have panic attacks just being a passenger. This has been years of trying, and it's still a 'can't'. i don't want to have a 'can't' when it comes to him.

My sole purpose for existing is to bring him pleasure, obey whenever he gives a command, be able to strive past the things holding me back to give him what he wants and needs. To make him proud and represent him well. That doesn't apply to every submissive or every slave, but it does to me. It is me.

When it gets down to it, i don't want to only obey when it serves me. The thought of that frightens me. Master should never be left wanting something that i can provide, regardless of how easy it is for me to provide it. i truly believe that. So, now that i can't obey this one command, i feel completely useless and i don't know how to work past it.

i'm completely terrified that, if i am trained to get past this aversion and it doesn't work, that it's going to remain a permanent 'can't'. i'm terrified that Master will have something that he consciously has to avoid or dance around because of me. That he will have to restrict something he wants because i can't provide it.

i'm terrified of what that will make me.
What does it make me?

Doll for a Day

2011-03-15T20:05:00.010+11:00

It started as soon as he set the tasks that morning. 'You will find time to give yourself ten lively smacks on the cunt with your hand, remembering that this pain comes because you serve me, it pleases me, and that the sensation is a reward for being such a good girl'.

i thought about it all through my first class, having received the tasks while on the bus i didn't have any time to complete them before i was at uni. i was feeling so owned at that point, going over his words in my head again and again. It's such a basic thing, having your genitals as yours only almost from birth, as soon as you learn about the pleasure they can bring you it's almost like a special personal secret. That he was having me make myself hurt there for him was so purely sexual to me- it was going to hurt, but i knew that it was going to turn me on too, and that knowledge only cemented it in my thoughts all the more.

His property. Not mine, not something that gets lent to him occasionally, not a secret source of pleasure for me. His. Owned. Possessed. Controlled. i have known this for some time, that my pleasure is his to control. But something about having to do this task in a public place, a place not usually devoted to my service, that really made it hit home to me.

i snuck into a deserted spot on campus and took my time with the slaps. i was determined that if i was slow enough, and purposefully hard enough, i could focus on the pain rather than the arousal that i had been feeling. By slap number 6, i had realised that this was a completely stupid assumption. The more it hurt, the more i was reminded that i was doing this completely unnatural thing for no other reason than because he told me to, and the more it turned me on when i followed through. i hurriedly finished the last of the slaps, dressed and left the bathroom, with only a few minutes left to have lunch before my next class. i texted Master that the task was completed, and clued him in somewhat as to my arousal at the time. His reply was that if i was game, i could go back into the restroom and masturbate to orgasm. With such little time left, i decided that one orgasm would only make me want more and that i should be concentrating in class instead of wanting more.

Master then decided to begin taunting me about how horny i was, since i'd decided to try to ignore it. He began putting thoughts in my head, which made me think about him more and made me more horny.

1 hour in, with 2 hours of class left, i was completely stuck. i was obligated to follow orders and attend all of my classes, but i couldn't ignore what Master was putting in my head either. Not being able to do anything about my predicament only made me feel more powerless and compounded the problem. The more worked up i got, the more sadistic and degrading he became, which only turned me on more. i couldn't think beyond what he was saying and what i was feeling between my legs.

i fought to maintain some kind of concentration on what was happening in my classes and did reasonably okay, but it was extremely difficult and i was always aware of the throbbing between my legs. Every 20 minutes or so there'd be another sadistic message and i would feel my body tense just that little bit more when it arrived. i felt like such a slut, sitting there in class while being degraded on my phone at the same time. Those last 2 hours could not go quickly enough. When they had passed, i hurried home to prepare for Master's arrival.

i think i first really started floating off into subspace when i stepped in the door. Everything was about him- should i wear this, am i pleasingly made up, is my perfume fresh enough. i was having a lot of trouble with making decisions and kept changing my mind. My desire was the only thing that i was sure about, and to make matters worse by that stage Master was saying that i would not be allowed to cum at all for several days!

He arrived, and decided that we should go upstairs rather than straight out to eat. My head was completely fuzzy and i had a lot of difficulty in answering his questions properly, i needed to be told clearly what to do. Everything about him was suddenly so arousing it threatened to take me over the edge- his scent, that of the leather he was wearing, his aftershave, the heat of his skin, the taste of his lips as he kissed me... My cunt was pulsing and threatening to explode without permission from either of us.

He enjoyed this immensely, i could sense it on him more than anything else. He was loving every minute of my torture, loving the power and control, and probably loving too the stark difference between my normal personality and that which i was displaying. i still don't know why, but sadism on him is so attractive to me, probably because it's not a permanent thing but only happens when he's in the mood for it. He pushed me down onto the bed and, reaching up my dress, began to stroke me through my panties. A few seconds brought me to within an inch of climax and, with an amused noise from him, his hand would be taken away. It would return seconds later to try again, push harder, test further my control and obedience. His fingertip probed my swollen clit and i thought my flesh would explode and betray me.

He would remind me again that i was not to cum, and stop. Hurt me or kiss me or play with my nipples- they'd been hard for hours now and were ultra sensitive. But they brought me no further than he would allow.

It was time to go to dinner. He pulled me up and watched with amusement when i tried to straighten up my tousled hair and pulled my panties up from around my ankles.

i was able to distract my mind during dinner, so to a degree, i didn't turn myself on much more during dinner, as i had throughout the day. However, his enjoyment of me didn't help, and the lingering feeling of his fingers inside me for just a brief moment refused to fade. i could think of nothing but sex and lust and desire, not necessarily just wanting to cum, but to bring pleasure to us both.

By the time we arrived back at home after dinner, i was quite aware of feeling completely different than i do normally. Even in subspace, occasional thoughts sneak in, usually wondering about what i could be doing better. This time, i was overwhelmed with how much i felt like a fucktoy- consumed so much with sex and arousal, both his and mine- i was feeding off it, revelling in it, nothing else mattered. i was waiting for instructions on pleasing him, waiting to be used.

He did not wait long to exploit both of these. It was intense pleasure wise, with the build up lasting all day i thought i would scream the building down when his cock entered me. i came at his command, again and again and again. His hands tore at my skin, digging, scratching, pinching, slapping. Until i was exhausted and sore. Then he held me. Then he used me hard again.

i'm really struggling to write about how i was feeling at that moment. It was amazing, yes. i felt great to be used like that for his pleasure, so far past where my own enjoyment of the sensation had ended. It was a psychological and emotional high as well as a physical one. As for thought- there really wasn't any. i felt completely vacant, close to him, but-- somewhere else? i really don't know how to describe it. i was living completely in the physical sensations. It was completely liberating.

It does make me wonder whether i will experience this again, though. i both hope so, and hope not, at least for a little while.

What's My Role Again?

2011-03-13T18:14:00.010+11:00

In remembering always that a slave's foremost duty is to bring pleasure, what is her natural state- serving, or as a companion?

Is it more pleasing to have a pet, or a servant?

The pet entertains, though not always through obedience, she follows eagerly wherever Master should want to go, but always has her nose out in case something interesting should come along that must be brought to Master's attention. She might get smacked once in a while through some misguided attempt at service, but the smile is still on Master's face.

The pet is treasured for her limitless and unconditional love and fierce loyalty. The pet thrives on being cared for, as Master provides a level of care that is not found anywhere else. Master's control of the pet is shown by her dependancy on him; without Master, the pet struggles to exist. She mopes on the spot where he last stood and pines until he comes back.

Pets are high maintenance, there's no doubt about it. Having something that requires constant supervision and interaction is extremely demanding. Pets may disobey or demand attention. However, there's such a remarkable bond between pet and owner, one that usually outweighs the downsides of maintaining it.

On the other side of the spectrum is the servant, waiting patiently for the opportunity to show her own kind of devotion. The servant thrives on being of use, sexually, domestically, emotionally, physically. The servant dreams of being used as furniture or banished to the kitchen to prepare something while the Master is enjoying himself with other pursuits. The servant jumps at the chance to bypass her own petty desires in order of earning his praise, for she relishes the feeling.

Servants may appear rather detached, and this may displease the Master who yearns for a more equal partner. She may have trouble accepting pleasure from him and fight with guilt. The servant may bring much pleasure from the useful habits that she is able to learn, a type of reading of the Master's wishes before he has articulated them. There is a special kind of pride on both sides that appears when a servant is able to fulfil her duties without being told to.

Traditionally, these different personas were at war, but it is so important that they learn to get along and co-operate. A slave needs both of these sides at her disposal if she is to be pleasing in the long term. It is just a matter of discovering the right balance for the current situation, the Master, or the slave herself.

Writing Task of the Day

2011-03-09T17:21:00.006+11:00

Master set me a writing task today, about why i love being a slave, and in particular, His slave. So, here it is.

Master-

i love serving you in particular, i love the smile on your face whenever i do something you've told me to do, i love the sound of your voice telling me that i'm a good girl. i love that you think of pain as a reward for me and don't try to make it a punishment. i love that you're gentle and caring as well as rough and Dominant when you need to be. i love it when you hurt me in just the right way for my mood, or slap me, or dig your nails into my skin. i love that you make me do things just for your pleasure and how owned and fulfilled i feel whenever you do. i love that you can be degrading me completely but still manage to be showing me that it's just a bit of fun and you really cherish me. i love that i can trust you completely about anything, and that i never doubt you.

i love the way you look after me so well, how you know me better than i do most times and how i can trust you to know what's best for me all the time. i love the way you've 'forced' me into trying things that i didn't want at the time, but how they've always ended up being something i've liked or appreciated/needed in the end. i love that i can trust you to stop play with me when my body has had enough, but you can still push me to soar so far above what i believe i can take.

i love the security of knowing that i'll always be yours, you'll always stand up for me and let me look after you. i think Master/slave is such a big commitment, and it makes me so happy that you have made that to me, that i'm good enough for you to want to be this connected to me long term.

i like who i am as your slave, i like how well i function when things are so laid out and obvious, it's like i can relax and in doing that those parts of me that i don't really like seem to fade away. i love the fact that you have brought out so many good things in me, things that i didn't know were there. i love that i honestly feel like i could not serve anybody else in the way i do you. i love always having your wishes and pleasure at the forefront of my mind, i like feeling like i can do anything for you, i like the motivation it gives me for even the most mundane things.

i love how sex positive you are, how fun sex is with you, and how even when we're having vanilla sex i can still feel connected to you as your slave. i love the way you stroke my hair or pet me whenever i'm sitting at your feet. i love the way you still pet me when you're asleep. i love talking to you, knowing that you know more about me than anybody else in the world. i love it when you teach me things, or help me do things, even though you don't have to. i love surprising you and making you feel loved. i love going on trips out with you and having you show me off. i love making you proud of me.

i love you Master. Thank you for today's task.

Master's Intervention

2011-03-08T09:36:00.006+11:00

i barely slept last night, and after laying in bed for hours this morning realised that i was putting off getting up because i'm not feeling well. normally i'm a morning person and pretty much the first thing i want to do when i wake up is get out of bed. i'm not sure if it's the start of a cold or if i've finally been hit with the full force of the subdrop that's been coming since sunday, but whatever it is isn't pleasant.

That's why i felt so incredibly loved when this arrived in my inbox:

Doctor Master's patented Drop Defeating Daily Duties!

1. Ten swats to each side of butt with belt or similar (at least
once, but repeat as needed)
2. Walk briskly to shops, purchase favourite chocolate,
return home, devour said.
3. Rug up warm and comfortable.
4. Enjoy half an hour or so of a silly, low-thought
requiring activity, such as an episode of Coupling.
5. Thank Master and show him you appreciate his care and love. =P

If symptoms persist, call Master and schedule a house call.

If all that doesn't fix whatever's wrong, then it probably wasn't broken in the first place! i am such a lucky slave.

Thank you Master.

Disconnected

2011-03-06T20:47:00.006+11:00

He had that look in his eye, the one that makes my knees just a little bit weak. The one that makes the urge to be at his feet just that little bit more urgent. I was still naked, having just come from the shower, when he quickly pulled me over his lap.

After a few swift spanks to my backside, my legs had given way and he helped me to reposition myself across the bed instead. He warmed up my skin with a sound spanking, fingers dancing on my clit after every few strokes to ensure that the sensation of neither pain nor pleasure could wash over me for long. It is a delicious frustration, being stuck there, back arched just so, ass up in the air and particularly vulnerable to whatever he decides to unleash. Unable to give in to the intoxicating subspace as the pain is so brief, but unable to move much closer to climax with such short bursts of stimulation.

The noose cane came next, then the small, leather bound hacking cane that has become such a fast favourite with both of us. By now the pain has overwhelmed the sexual pleasure from earlier and I float on a cloud high above us, only semi aware of what is happening around my body. It is such a different type of pleasure. A light, burning sting cuts through my consciousness as he brings out the new, curved wooden spoon and takes it to my backside, welts beginning to blossom somewhere deeply beneath his reach. They bring up a dull ache from inside me, a low, background hum that soothes my mind against the vicious treble of the strikes still raining down upon my skin.

The dreaded pinwheel makes an appearance and i can do nothing but bask in his sadistic tone while the prickley thing causes me to squirm, whimper and jump. Such an object of hate and love I haven't encountered. There is no part of me that enjoys such a humiliatingly tickling sensation as when it is rolled over tender flesh, but the exquisite searing it provides when dragged is beyond compare. Besides, nothing entertains the sadist like a writhing and tickle tortured toy, a service that I gladly provide if just to hear the smile in his voice. He is pleased now, and I begin to glow from the inside upon hearing it in his tone.

Rolling over again but with only a dim, hazed memory of turning over the first time, I am re introduced to pain orgasms through the magic of a thin, bendy rattan cane. He is talking to me calmly- I fade in and out like his voice is a radio station that is almost out of reach- the words 'good girl' and 'proud of you... week' are enough. Each strike sends another thrill through my body, the searing hot trail of his cane etched in my mind only for as long as it takes for another hit to come. They are getting harder, slower, more purposeful; more praise, heaped upon my body with every hit. He does not even need to speak now. His love is behind every strike.

Falling down to earth suddenly, I realise that he is wrapped around me closely as my hot tears seep out and cover his bare chest. A moment of intense confusion as I contrast my sobbing exterior with the soaring, peaceful being within. Then, a thought, slowly making its way through the mist inside my head- What must he be thinking?! My pain-drunk brain spits out the most reassuring thing it can think of, to illustrate to him that everything is, in fact, better than fine.

Green, Master. I love you.

The Way Forward

2011-03-06T18:34:00.009+11:00

I'm back. This may or may not be permanent, I'll see how I go.

I'm back because I feel the need to have something to show myself how things are changing, how they've changed already. How I've changed. When my thoughts are spread out in front of me, hopefully I'll learn to understand myself better, and that can only be a good thing, right?

I didn't think, all those weeks ago, that I would be back here, writing this. There was a period in time where my submissive, my slave, whatever you want to call her, was gone, and I had little to no motivation whatsoever to bring her back. I knew that she would always be a part of me, but lacked the strength to act on her tiny little voice in the back of my head when my (admittedly self destructive and completely stupid) ideas seemed to be more safe and appealing. I had accepted that it was a place I would stay in.

We tried, again and again and again, to find those people inside us that we were used to. We wrote up plans and rules and goals. With each failed attempt, we struggled even more to find the will to try again. It was a huge strain on both of us, the relationship, and life in general. It was as though we had no idea where we stood, if not without that framework of M/s life to hold us up.

That was frightening. It was horrible not knowing who the other was at any given point in time, it was horrible to doubt that we could survive in a relationship without the kink. It was terrifying- for both of us- to wonder why we were here if it weren't for that small part.

Slowly, things began to change. I don't know what it was exactly, if it was a sudden moment or a chain of events, but we were led back down a familiar path. It happened so slowly that I didn't always notice it, but his confidence and drive was returning and my motivation to awaken the slave had come back.

We talked. And talked. We talked so much I was taken back to our first interactions. It was like we had started completely anew. We talked about wants, and needs, and thoughts, and feelings, and dreams, and wishes. I questioned every need I had, and tried to work out if they were actually a want or a should. As it turns out, I have only two real needs.

I need to be pleasing to Master.

I need regular pain from Master.

Pain is a constant in my life that I really need to lean on in times of emotional stress. It tells me that I am owned, it shows me that I am cared for and looked after. When I am hurt regularly I can focus better, I have more motivation to push myself, and I spend less time worrying about what I may or may not be doing.

To be pleasing, I have to know what is expected of me; I need clear goals and measures of success or failure. I need to be able to mentally tick the things off that I am doing or not doing and think 'Now, I'm behaving in a pleasing manner, Master will be proud of me' or ' Now I have to correct X and Y, which will please Master because Z'. It's a very simple reasoning method, but it's how I work.

This led both Master and myself to some conclusions. I don't cope well with abstract tasks because I fail to see the use of them and then lack the motivation to complete them. I don't benefit from a lot of ritual because I stress that if it isn't perfect, I'm not succeeding. I obsess. I do benefit immensly from smaller tasks that remind me of my place, but only if they are done because they actually please Master or enable me to be more pleasing for Him, not because He thinks it's what He should tell me to do.

So much of learning how to move forward has been stepping away from our own preconceived notions of what we should and shouldn't do. Ideas about what is 'submissive' and 'Dominant'. Ideas about how a M/s relationship should work. For me, it has been about learning how not to make demands or to expect things to be a certain way.

Instead, we've started our own brand of M/s. I might call it M/p (Master/pet).

It's been a little over a week since things really started falling into place. I am now living alone and find so much pleasure and satisfaction in the daily rituals of housekeeping, cooking, and studying. Master has set a few rules to keep me focused, and has given me pain twice: one day of self inflicted tasks, and a heavy caning today. We have done away with the idea of punishment; instead we acknowledge that He wants me to be the best person I can be, and I want to serve Him to the best of my ability. He has pushed me, rewarded me when I succeeded and supported me when I didn't. I have been given tasks on several days to make me think about my service and to give me something to add into my daily routine.

All of the areas of my life seem to be fitting together; rather than only being able to 'show' one side of myself fully at different times, all of the different personas have seemingly melded into the one whole. And that feels quite amazing.

Until next time, if you have any questions please feel free to drop me a line on formspring or at my email address.

-r

do you have to keep blogging now?

2011-01-29T17:44:00.002+11:00

Hi, thanks for your question, and I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to answer it. No, I am not compelled to post journal entries any longer, and although I was considering returning to write there's a part of me that isn't quite sure that's what I want or what would be best for me. For the moment I'm content with a personal diary instead of a public blog, but I'm always happy to email or answer questions should you have any in future.

Thanks again and all the best, -r.

Ask rose

yo howd you survive the holidays. do you have a New Years resolution?

2011-01-09T09:19:00.002+11:00

Hi, thanks for your question. The holidays are intense every year, but these were a little more than the usual family crazyness, with Master and i taking a break from BDSM to re-evaluate our relationship and our lifestyle. That's an ongoing process, so i'll keep everybody updated, but things are going really well right now.

As far as resolutions go, mine are to be more healthy (which includes stuff like managing stress better and working out more often), to get my driving license, to try my best at university and work out where my career path will lead, to get a job, to strengthen my relationships and work on making new ones wherever possible, learn one or more new skills, read for pleasure as often as possible and to tick something off my bucket list.

Happy new year and thanks again!

Ask rose

Endings

2011-01-03T17:26:00.005+11:00

I had wondered about whether this post would be written or not, but it seems rude to just disappear after so many readers have been so good to me over the years. So, here it is.

Today, my journey into BDSM reached its end. There is no fault or blame to be placed, it has just happened this way.

It is quite frightening to me to think that something that has played such a huge part in the past 6 years of my life could ever leave me, but here we are. Instead of merely being hurt or stewing in regrets, however, I want to try and look back on the past and my experiences with gratitude. I do indeed have a lot to be grateful for.

I'm grateful for that little voice in my teenage brain that said 'you have to find out more about this!' when BDSM first entered my knowledge. Without her, I would have not experienced all that I have, and I believe that I am much richer for her curiosity.

I'm grateful for the strength to return after hurts and abuse. To keep striving to find myself somewhere deeper than I had ever been before. I don't quite know where it came from, sometimes.

I'm thankful to all the people who enriched this experience and my life. To the best friends halfway across the world who let me into their minds and their hearts. To readers, to Mentors, to forum posters, to munch and chat room participants to Dominants who taught me how beautiful submission can really be. To those who proudly post their pictures on Fetlife for the world to see what real beauty looks like. You all continue to amaze and inspire me with your natural beauty, wisdom and grace.

I'm thankful for the pain, the nights I wanted to scream and crawl out of my body to escape the unbearable agony I was in. For that wonderful blissful calm that set upon me once it was all over, or the complete orgasmic wonders that only come after a good beating. I'm thankful for the rough sex that sent me to new heights. I'm thankful for the chance to experience all I could take, whether it be a light spanking or something much more intense.

I'm thankful for all the 'good girl's, all those times he didn't have to say anything at all. All the pettings, all the highs I got from being choked, all the times he had to tell me to do something I wanted or needed to do. I'm thankful for being taught how to please and being able to see that pleasure in his face.

I'm thankful for being loved, and for being with somebody who is willing to stay with me through the hard times, as well as the good. I don't quite know how to be a 'normal' girlfriend, but it's something that I'm willing to work at for him. As to where we'll end up- who knows?- but I'll be beside him, and that's what matters to me.

Goodbye, friends.

-Rose.

What is your favorite family holiday tradition?

2010-12-23T13:55:00.002+11:00

Probably the only 'christmas' family traditions we have are the making of baklava by myself and my mother, and going out with whoever's around to find a dead tree or pile of sticks to cover with christmas decorations in lieu of a christmas tree. Holidays are more about being with each other than anything else, because my family is usually spread out across the country it's the only time we see eachother during the year. Great question, thank you, and happy holidays!

Ask rose

... and falling straight off again

2010-12-23T13:17:00.003+11:00

Sorry- i promised to write and then disappeared again. Things have been a little difficult here lately. D/s has been-- unprioritised-- is possibly the only way i can put it. While it's extremely difficult for me to cope without the certainty of the way things used to be, i know that W is at a point in his life where he has to figure things out for himself. As much as i'd like to step in to help or to lift him up with unquestioning submission, the only way forward for us will be determined by that which only he can find in himself.

Happy holidays everybody. Be safe.

-rose.