Affection

It's all kinds of ironic that this post should follow the previous one. But i guess it just goes to show you how much nothing ever stays still for very long.

i moved in with Master yesterday. i'll be here for a few days a week, and away for a few days a week (i have to travel for work), for the next little while. It's not much- we're on completely different schedules and don't see each other much, have zero privacy or free time together, and have seperate rooms and beds- but it's a regular chance to see Him and it's still living together. i still look forward to the little mundane snippets of life that i didn't get before living with Him. They feel so precious right now.
hearing His voice first thing in the morning
brushing teeth together
being there and welcoming Him home from work

i hated dating. i was never really very good at it. it sometimes irked me that most of our couple time was spent trying to make up for the fact that we never really had our own space. so i'm trying to remind myself that even though i'm grouchy about not getting date night or rugby night or -- well-- any kind of regular going out time with Master, i'll get the bits i missed most while we were dating; the boring, everyday things that somehow aren't so boring when you think about them. Because those things are kind of a measure of the relationship and how it's progressing, at least to me.

there will be teething problems. i know it but it doesn't mean i'll know how to fix them immediately. i guess it'll just take time and working through, like everything else.

i guess the first problem could have already come up, though i'm not really sure about how much of a problem it's going to turn out to be. i'm not feeling comfortable with physical contact at the moment. At all. And as everybody probably knows already, touch is a HUGE thing for Master. Touch was always a problem for me when we were first together, but i had been making progress and was okay with it most days up until a few weeks ago.

i didn't really know how much of an impact one of my new year's resolutions would be when i made it. i wrote that i'd stop biting and instead show actual affection when i wanted to. i think the biting was always just a way of showing affection without making myself emotionally vulnerable. It hurts less when you get pushed off somebody for biting than it does when you get pushed off for kissing them.

It was hard to stop.
But i did.
And i replaced it with not only actual affection, but emotion. Vulnerability.
and to a degree, more dependence. Psychological. Emotional.

i got to a stage where i was running to Master for hugs and to explain what had happened when i was upset, rather than withdrawing and stewing and doing all those other things He hates. i had done it.

Then He couldn't be there, and i was by myself for a few weeks.
i felt like i had nobody to cry to.
and i didn't really know how to deal with it.
i fell apart.
having a particularly nasty SAD patch didn't help by any means (yep, in summer.)

So i did what i always do when i've been hurt by something.
i step over myself to not ever do it (or anything else painful) again.

self protection mode at its least useful.

i know, it's a stupid reaction. but it's a part of me and i can't just 'snap' out of it, much as i would like to. i hate that the one thing i have the most trouble with is the one thing that Master places the most importance on. Not having me be touchy really hurts Him. Of course He thinks it's His fault- which it isn't- but really, who wouldn't think that?