Letting it All Out

i suppose i'll start by saying that i am not, and never have been, a ranty person. it's extremely rare that i will find myself able to just let all of my emotions out in a gush before i have been able to analyse, and to some degree, censor them. However, lately more and more, i find myself being demanded to skip the censoring process and to just let everything go. i had not equated this with submission up until recently. It is extremely difficult for me to do this, because i know that many of my thoughts are rubbish- they're not objective, they're not rational, they're often egocentric and i don't always understand what they are, let alone the cause of them.

So this is me trying to find a happy medium. i will look at some of the current goings on of my mind and attempt to sort through them to the core. Yes, i am aware that many of these are inaccurate, yet for whatever reason i find myself unable to dismiss them. As a result of this, any comment that just says 'That isn't true! You shouldn't feel that!', however well intended it is, will be deleted.

Core belief #1: In order to deserve anything in life, rose must be making others happy.

This is quite simple, and one of the most enduring thought processes that i have ever had. If i am serving, and if i am serving well enough to make everybody around me happy, complete, fulfilled, or cared for, then i can be happy without guilt. Note that this is not restricted to serving in a BDSM context, but encompasses family, friends, and people i don't know. i find it extremely upsetting to consider others doing things for me when i have not done likewise. i will only do things for myself when i can see a benefit of this to other people. if i am making others happy, i have a purpose in life, and therefore can exist. If not, i feel completely worthless and struggle to do anything.

As a result of this, we come to thought #2: If others are unhappy, rose must be doing something wrong.

If i have the power to please, then it stands to reason that i also am responsible for other's displeasure. This is mostly limited in feeling to those closer to me- i won't blame myself if i see a stranger upset on the street, for example. It's not that i necessarily blame myself for things that happen, i blame myself for not making it better for those around me. i.e. My friend is upset because she broke up with her boyfriend. i won't feel responsible for her break up, but i will feel that she is more upset because i am unable to make her feel better or that i wasn't there to support her when she needed me. i constantly feel that i should have been able to prepare for things, handle them better, or have done something differently that would lead to the problem never developing in the first place.

Thought #3: If rose is not desired, she is not desirable.

This sounds like a strictly physical and sexual thing, but it isn't always. If i am not pleasing, i feel i am worthless. If i am not desired, or there isn't some other tangible evidence to show something similiar, i feel i am not pleasing. This might have come from my abusive relationship- i was told that i was undeserving of affection and so was rarely shown it.

Thought #4: rose is incompatible with poly or open relationships.

i cannot give all of myself to multiple partners, nor can i fall in love with more than one person at the same time. i see myself as ultimately dispensible, and so when others are involved feel that it is because my partner needs something i am not able to fulfil, or that i have done something wrong.

and, as a result of that, #5: if rose is displeasing, she will ultimately be 'swapped' for somebody who can fulfil what she couldn't.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. Because i am so focused on the other person's needs, if i cannot fulfil them it seems natural for me to step back to allow for them to be met some other way.